Castro clings to life in hope of oppressing a few more people before he dies

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

HAVANA -- Eighty-year-old Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro is fighting for his life in the hope that he can oppress a few more people before he dies.

The Cuban strong man, ruthless ruler of this island nation since 1959, has killed thousands of people to obtain and maintain power, and friends say that all he wants is to enjoy a few more minutes of cold-hearted brutality before going straight to hell.

"He's got a few more beatings, disappearances, and imprisonments in him, I just know it," brother Raul Castro said. "It's so hard to see him fading like this, unable to lift a pistol, a whip, or even a syringe filled with some noxious poison. You know, it was the simple pleasures in life that kept him going all these years -- smoking cigars, drinking mojitos, ruthlessly crushing his enemies. To see him unable to enjoy even an ordered detainment or property confiscation, well, it just gets you right here."

Weakened and barely coherent, Castro attempted to order the execution of a random person, just for the fun of it, a few days ago. But all he managed to do was point his finger at a nurse and mutter something incomprehensible. Guards responded by bringing Castro a glass of water, completely failing to execute the nurse, whose presence now serves as a constant reminder to Castro of his reduced state, further embittering the ailing tyrant.

Quickly expiring in one of his own sub-par state hospitals, the world's longest reigning Marxist's only remaining hope is that some Western sap comes to visit and leans down to whisper something into the dictator's ear. At that point, Castro can reach up and strangle the visitor with his own bare hands.

Though such a scenario is unlikely, it is possible.

"My friend Fidel is a much misunderstood man, especially here in the United States," said former president Jimmy Carter. "Yes, he killed, tortured, and imprisoned thousands of people, but he meant well. Now if you'll excuse me, Fidel's just invited me to see him one last time. Toodle-oo!"

Comments

[JMcD]

Last night at a "Get Well Fidel"soiree,supporters got together to wish all the best to the 'gloriuos leader' and hope for his speedy recovery.The fiesta's budget wouldn't allow for the roast beef,Mathusala Rum,and fine Cuban cigars as hoped,so the celebrants enjoyed bologna sandwiches,Sneaky Pete,and two packs of Kools.A patriotic time was had by all.