Mall elf sure this Christmas will be his big break

By Rock Squarejaw
Hollywood Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- Aspiring actor Byron Smithers said yesterday that he was sure his gig playing Santa's assistant at the Beverly Center mall in Los Angeles would lead to a significant role in a major motion picture very soon.

"I'm certain that a prominent director or producer will bring his children here to see Santa, and when that happens, I'll be ready," Smithers explained. "I beat out eight other actors to get this part, so already someone's seen something special in me. To prepare for the role, I watched every Christmas movie ever made. I even followed a midget around for a week and spent $4,000 to have the tips of my ears surgically pointed. Aren't they awesome?! Better than Spock's, for sure!"

Over lunch at the food court, Smithers fiddled nervously with a stack of 8x10 glossy black and white publicity photos of himself, pre-ear job. "Oh! Look! It's Steven Soderbergh!" he exclaimed suddenly. "No, no, it's just the Hugo Boss floor manager. Man, at this distance and angle he looks just like Soderbergh. Hey, is that producer Terry Rossio?!" 

Smithers said he enjoyed the acting, but he wasn't sure about his other "cast members."

"Santa smells like cookies and Jack Daniels," he said. "And he's really mean. He's always calling me an f-ing little elf-man. I don't know where he went to acting school, but I don't think he knows anything about how to get into character. The elves aren't much better. They never act chipper and happy like elves should, and they're always sneaking to the back of Santa's workshop to smoke something that smells funny." 

If the elf gig doesn't turn out to be his big break, Smithers said that after Christmas he'll get a job busing tables at some swanky private New Years Eve party, "preferably Jerry Bruckheimer's, if he's doing one. I think I'd really be great in National Treasure II."

In his frantic search for big-time directors and producers he hoped could launch him out of his dead-end career path, Smithers failed to notice the 14 management-level job openings posted throughout the mall.