Bush asserts authority to open all of Angelina Jolie's mail

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- In a signing statement last month, President Bush asserted the unilateral authority to open all of Angelina Jolie's mail.

"It shall be the exclusive prerogative of the President of the United States to protect the person and property of Angelina Jolie by pre-screening her mail for any sign of unwanted sexual advances from lowlife terrorist scum, or, for that matter, any adult male other than the President of the United States," read the statement, attached to a bill reforming the postal service.

"Miss Jolie can rest assured that the president will not allow her privacy to be invaded by any suitor unworthy of her attentions. If she would like to meet with the president to discuss this matter, she may call the White House switchboard and ask for George."

According to White House sources, Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to assert the authority to open Helen Mirren's mail, but Attorney General Alberto Gonzales denied that he had the constitutional authority.

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According to Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign staff, she has plans to implement a similar signing statement to allow her to screen Rosie O'Donnel's mail.