Student dismayed to find that supposed communist leader is actually a fascist

By Fitzhugh G. Tweeding
Higher Education Reporter

PHILADELPHIA -- Colin Henderson, a sophomore political science major at the University of Pennsylvania, was shocked and saddened to discover that Gen. Ricardo Tevez Colon, leader of the small South American country of Zarabanda, is a self-professed fascist. Henderson had admired Colon, a man he believed to be communist, for years.

"I thought Gen. Colon oppressed people and murdered tens of thousands in the name of social justice and equality," Henderson said. "It turns out the bastard does it to impose order and inspire nationalism. The fact that I ever liked this guy makes me want to puke."

With only a small handful of American admirers, Colon was dismayed to learn of Henderson's recent comments.

"The American boy sent me a letter two years ago. He praised my leadership and unwavering drive to make my country great and my people strong," Colon said. "I don't get many letters from America. I was so proud. I put his letter up on my refrigerator. Now he calls me a fascist pig. He can go to hell."

Henderson discovered Colon's fascism during his Modern Political Perspectives class last Thursday.

"Professor McTavish was crediting some of the world's great communist leaders -- people like Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il, and Hugo Chavez. I raised my hand to offer up Colon as a noteworthy, up-and-coming communist. Needless to say, I was totally embarrassed when McTavish told me Colon was a dirty fascist. From now on I'll be sure to distinguish between my murdering fascist bastards and my benevolent communist father figures."