James Cameron finds Jesus' comb

By Rock Squarejaw
Hollywood Reporter

NEW YORK -- Director and producer James Cameron claimed today that his film-making team might have found the much sought-after comb of Jesus.

"We're really quite thrilled!" Cameron said. "It's not every day that one finds a hair care product belonging to a major religious figure. Unless one is hanging out with Al Sharpton, of course. He's got loads of them."

The announcement stunned Discovery Channel executives, who thought they were financing a documentary about the discovery of Jesus' tomb.

"He found what?!!!" a visibly angry Discovery executive said over the phone, which was not a video phone, proving that this reporter's powers of perception border on the supernatural. "Are you sure it wasn't Al Sharpton's? Holy crap, this is worse than Geraldo's unveiling of Al Capone's Vault of Construction Fill!"

Cameron said the team initially did think they'd found Jesus' tomb, but it was just "some old box."

"Believe me, I'd love to have found Jesus' tomb, the discovery of which would call into question the very foundations of one of Earth's greatest religions," Cameron said. "But, as I'm fearful of dying a horrible, blood-soaked death at the hands of enraged religious fanatics, it turns out that all we actually found was his comb. And what might be some bedroom slippers."

Asked whether he might be confusing Christians with radical Islamists, Cameron paused momentarily and displayed a bewildered expression.

"Oh, you mean it's the other ones who slaughter anyone who challenges their religious beliefs? Oh. Well, um, then, yeah, we found Jesus' tomb. My bad."