Kim Jong-Il agrees to give up nuke program for date with Condoleezza Rice

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

BEIJING -- North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il agreed today to give up his country's controversial nuclear program in exchange for a date with U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Though not involved in the negotiations himself, Kim instructed his country's envoys to the multi-party talks here in Beijing to accept nothing less than a full-fledged date with America's top diplomat in exchange for disabling all of North Korea's nuclear facilities and having their impotence verified by United Nations inspectors.

"We were prepared to offer hundreds of millions of dollars in fuel and financial aid, so you can imagine our surprise when all they wanted was one evening with Condi," said a top State Department staffer familiar with the negotiations. "Frankly, it was a bit of a shock to Condi. But when she realized the huge savings to the American taxpayer, she agreed to do it."

The time and location for the date have yet to be determined, officials on both sides said, although it was clear that Kim anticipated it would take place in China, not North Korea. "There are no good restaurants in North Korea, unless you enjoy roasted donkey," one diplomat said. "Kim is intent on making a good first impression, and we hear he has several four-star restaurants in Beijing in mind."

For Secretary Rice, her first date in more than seven years presents great opportunities both professionally and personally. Sealing a deal establishing a nuclear-free North Korea would put her among the ranks of the great secretaries of state in American history and make her an instant finalist for the Nobel Peace Prize. And going out on an actual date -- with a famous and powerful world leader, no less -- might finally get her noticed by that tall, handsome foreign service officer in the Western Hemisphere section who's been driving all the ladies in the office crazy since he arrived six weeks ago.