Mitt Romney to donate one hair to Britney Spears for each $1,000 campaign contribution

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

BOSTON -- Facing stiff competition for the votes and campaign dollars of America's macho Republican men, most of whom are undecided in the 2008 presidential race, former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney today offered to donate his lustrous oceans of gorgeous man-hair to pop star Britney Spears in exchange for campaign donations. For every $1,000 donation, Romney will donate a single strand of his thick, yet surprisingly silky hair to Spears.

"Rudy Giuliani and John McCain try to sound like tough guys, but neither of them has the guts to do this," a Romney campaign spokesman said yesterday. "Franky, they don't have the hair, either. Nor are they as in tune with America's youth as Mitt is. Mitt knows that America's young Republican men in the 18 to 24 age demographic have been shocked and saddened by Miss Spears' recent de-beautification efforts, and, like Mitt, they would rather see a bald Mitt Romney than a bald Britney Spears. Like the real man that he is, Mitt is challenging America's virile young men to put up or shut up. No real man would rather see Mitt's hair on his head than on Britney's, so the way we figure it, if you don't give our campaign at least $1,000, you must be gay."

The average human head has about 100,000 hair follicles, but Romney's is estimated to have at least 150,000. At $1,000 each, his hairs could raise $150 million for his campaign.

Even if Romney's offer proves popular with young, male voters, it might turn off older Republicans who oppose opposite-sex hair transplants. When he ran for governor of Massachusetts back in 2002, Romney told the Boston Herald that he would not support men donating their hair to women.

"I'm not for cross-hair-dressing," Romney said. "I'm as opposed to it as I am to universal health care, for which I would never create my own plan shortly before leaving office to run for president."

Romney said today that he changed his mind after seeing Britney Spears' shaved head. "I'd do whatever it takes to cover that thing up," he said. "I'd even give her John McCain's back hair. Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned McCain's massive amounts of gross, black back hair. Our internal polling shows that female voters tend to disapprove of candidates with back hair. So, uh, forget I said that. And remember, I didn't mention Giuliani's bald spot, either."

Comments

[BelchSpeak]

Funny Factoid: There have only ever been 5 Bald Presidents.

From http://www.i-cynic.com/weekly_10.asp

Let's look at the forty-plus individuals we've elected president of the United States. All but five of them have been men of hair. Who were the five brave baldies who managed to slip past the guards? John Adams and his son, John Quincy Adams -- both one-termers. Martin Van Buren, who embellished his naked pate by puffing out his remaining locks in the manner later adopted by Larry of The Three Stooges -- also booted out after a single term. Next baldy on the roster: James A. Garfield. They shot him. After Garfield's demise, a full seventy-two years would pass before another hair-impaired president took the oath of office: the wildly popular World War II hero, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Did America's voters like Ike because he had rescued Europe from the Nazis and led the Allies to a resounding victory? It would be pleasant to think so, but I fear the real reason is that his opponent, Adlai Stevenson, had even less hair than Ike. The only other balding chief exec, Gerald Ford, simply stepped in for the deposed Nixon and failed to be elected in his own right. The man who vanquished him was an eminently thatched Georgian named Jimmy Carter. So there you have it: over two hundred years of American presidents, and only twenty-three years of baldness in the White House to date. If you take away Eisenhower, who defeated an even balder fellow, we're left with just fifteen years. Remove the unelected Ford, and we're down to a measly twelve-and-a-half years. I think I'm on to something here, don't you?