Presidential candidates' rejected Super Bowl ads

Gunsnbutter.com has obtained top-secret Super Bowl ad scripts from the campaigns of some of America's top presidential hopefuls. For either financial or political reasons, none of the ads was run. But our crack team of investigative journalists was able to secure copies of the scripts the politicians and their advisers did not want you to see.

-- The Editors

Ad 1: Mitt Romney: Mr. Fixit

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady sits on a plush sofa in a lavish living room.

TOM BRADY: Hi, I'm Tom Brady, and I'm almost as handsome as Mitt Romney, governor of my state of Massachusetts. What's more, I'm almost as good with my hands.

Clip of Brady throwing an amazing touchdown pass.

TOM BRADY: Yeah, that's pretty good. But you should see what Mitt Romney can do. Remember the big financial scandal involving the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City? Well, Mitt Romney is the one they called to fix the Olympics. And he did.

Clip from the Salt Lake City Olympics of Romney waving triumphantly, his hair looking fabulous.

TOM BRADY: He's fixed numerous large corporations.

Clip of Romney ordering incompetent-looking executives out, giving orders to his new team around an impressive conference table, watching an endless line of employees roll boxes of products out of the warehouse on dollies, and personally handing out paychecks with lots of big dollar signs on them to happy employees.

TOM BRADY: He even fixed my cat.

Clip of Romney in surgical gear (except hat; his hair looks exceptionally impressive) sewing up a prostrate, sedated feline.

TOM BRADY: Mitt Romney can fix anything. Even America.

Mitt Romney walks in dressed like a plumber and carrying a huge monkey wrench, but with his hair immaculate.

MITT ROMNEY: Hey, Tom, I fixed your sink.

TOM BRADY: Thanks, Mitt! You're amazing! You ought to be president!

MITT ROMNEY: Why, thanks, Tom! That means a lot coming from a two-time Super Bowl MVP! Well, I'm off to fix Mrs. Maloney's dentures. See ya!

Clip of Romney smiling boldly before a waving U.S. flag, bald eagle and a hot dog.

NARRATOR (Voiceover): Vote Mitt Romney for president in your state's Republican primary. Hire him to fix America so you don't have to get off your ass and do it.

Ad 2: Dennis Kucinich for president

Dennis Kucinich stands before the Cleveland skyline.

DENNIS KUCINICH: Hi, I'm Dennis Kucinich. This is all the air time I could afford. Vote for me for president. Thanks.   

Ad 3: John Edwards: Guilt Trip

NEW ORLEANS -- DAY

Wrecked homes clutter the background as criminals roam freely through the rubble-strewn streets.

JOHN EDWARDS: America, I want you to look around me. This is what New Orleans looks like a year and a half after Hurricane Katrina. And let me tell you, it smells worse. Now, I know what you're thinking. What do I care? I've got my friends over for the Super Bowl. Get the hell off the TV and show me some large-breasted women jumping up and down while balancing a tray of domestic beer in each hand. And you know what, I agree. In eighteen seconds, I'll show you large-breasted women jumping up and down while balancing a tray of domestic beer in each hand. But first, i want to show you how the other half of America lives.

A montage of horrible images of poverty, riots, starvation, gang shootings, disfigured AIDS patients, muggings, rapes, drought, child abductions, cross burnings, floods, swarms of locusts, zombies, werewolves, and an invasion of flying monkeys flashes by in a few seconds.

JOHN EDWARDS: While you're eating your nachos on your comfy sofa, that's what's happening in the other America. If you want all of America to look like this. . .

Two gorgeous, large-breasted women in skimpy waitress outfits bounce on trampolines while balancing a tray of full beer mugs in each hand.

JOHN EDWARDS: . . . then vote for me, John Edwards, for president. Yes, I am that powerful. Enjoy the game!

Ad 4: Hillary Clinton: Beermaiden

It's an old-fashioned German beerhall, with waitresses all dressed as beer maidens. In steps Hillary Clinton, dressed as a beer maiden and carrying a huge tray that cannot possibly hold another mug overflowing with clear, frothy beer.

HILLARY CLINTON: Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton. I don't bake cookies. I brew beer. Lots, and lots of beer. I've got a mini brewery in my basement where me and the girls hang out.

Clip of Hillary, still in beer maiden outfit, leaping from a sofa along with seven other actresses hired to play her friends and high-fiving them after seeing on the glowing TV in the foreground what must be their team scoring a big touchdown. 

HILLARY CLINTON: Yeah, I'm just a regular gal from Chicago, and I'm running for president because I've seen what some politicians have done to our country. . .

Montage of President Bush looking bewildered, crashing his father's Segway, trying to enter a locked door, getting pecked at by a huge Thanksgiving turkey, and otherwise looking like an idiot.

HILLARY CLINTON: . . . and I know I can do better. Vote for me for president and I'll give you the competent, robust, full-bodied leadership that America so sorely needs, just like you probably need a nice, cold beer right about now. And, if elected, I'll repeal the federal law that prohibits me from rewarding you with free beer for voting for me for president. Vote Hillary Clinton for president. You know you want to.