Wuss kid redeploys Army men to sister's bedroom to escape alien robot menace

By Buzz Gruntly
Military Affairs Reporter

MADISON, Wisc., -- In the midst of a fierce battle for control of the living room sofa, 12-year-old Wyatt Butler surprised his playmates by suddenly declaring the war unwinnable and announcing the immediate redeployment of all of his Army men to the safety of his sister's living room.

"My 12 legions of alien robots with laser-guided stink bombs had his more heavily armed but easily outnumbered Army men totally surrounded," said 11-year-old Tyler Rogers. "As soon as Admiral Xgnikaagbnzeekrrrghhh announced the complete annihilation of his pitiful human army, Wyatt picked up all his men and ran into his sister's room. What a wuss! All he had to do was call in some reinforcements and counterattack to my left flank, which was exposed to fire from the end table. It would've been a total route. What a colossal strategic mistake."

Butler said he'd called for the redeployment after concluding that the war was unwinnable and determining that his Admiral Xgnikaagbnzeekrrrghhh was not his real enemy anyway.

"This whole war started when my sister threw her Care Bears at my Army men," he said. "After she left, I quickly got the Care Bears under control. At that point, I decided to erase the threat posed by the massive army of the sinister and mentally unstable Admiral Xgnikaagbnzeekrrrghhh. But I had no idea his forces would be so formidable. He's really, really hard to beat! So, I decided to redeploy my Army to Care Bearistan, where victory is easily assured."

While buying Butler's army some temporary safety, his redeployment has in fact threatened its long-term existence by emboldening every other potential enemy.

"Look, he runs away like a little girl!" said 12-year-old Henry Talbot, a fellow playmate who witnessed Butler's "redeployment." "Let's go kick his ass!"

Comments

[Antonius Patrius]

A Pulitzer winning article if I ever read one. The story reminds me of a similar incident not to long ago involving the long Cold War between Lego and Mega-Bloks.

[BelchSpeak]

Wonderfully spun. As a child, the same exact thing happened to Michael Moore. But the robot invaders were called "Freedom Fighters."

And the humiliation of the sudden troop redeployment, followed by the ridicule from his friends caused little Mikey to swallow his feelings. Since then Mikey has swallowed lots of stuff. With gravy.