Comic book writers killing off super heroes too quickly for super villains to adjust

By Dorcus Malorcus
Nerd Reporter

METROPOLIS -- Super villains from across the comic book universe gathered today to petition the real world's comic book writers to stop killing off all the cool superheroes.

"As much as I wished Captain America dead for all these years," said Nazi super villain Red Skull, Captain America's arch-nemesis, "now that he's gone I'm really bored and, frankly, a little lonely. Would you please bring him back so I have something to do besides hanging out with Baron Nemo and Dr. Necrosis?"

Lex Luthor, whose nemesis Superman was killed off in 1993, offered to counsel Captain America's suddenly lost and disoriented enemies.

"I know what it's like to suddenly find yourself without a polar opposite. It's very disorienting, like you've lost a twin brother. An insufferable, goody two-shoes, mamma-always-loved-him-better twin brother, but a twin brother nonetheless. I'd genuinely like to do what I can for those super villains who find themselves in that vulnerable and lonely position. Well, the ones rich enough to afford $100,000 an hour for my expertise, that is."

Dr. Doom begged Marvel Comics executives not to let their writers kill off the Fantastic Four.

"Look, I hate those four bastards," Doom said. "Especially that jerkface Reed Richards. But, honestly, if I didn't have them to plot against, I don't know what I'd do with my time. Let's face it, I'm one of the smartest men in the world. I need at least four superheroes to fight at once or I'll quickly become bored out of my iron-encased skull."

Dr. Jonathan Crane, a Gotham City psychology professor who also fights Batman as The Scarecrow, said super villains often suffer from severe ADHD and need the thrill and challenge of fighting a superhero.

"Combating the police won't do," Crane said. "We need opponents who can really keep us on our toes, keep our minds moving, thinking, processing. We also need to feel important, and having someone with superpowers chasing us around town makes us feel really, really special. The only thing that would make us feel more special is defeating the superheroes and taking control of the whole universe. But then there's the boredom again. So you see, we really need the superheroes. For the love of god, don't kill them off!"

The super villains presented a petition asking the executives at Marvel and D.C. comics not to kill their superheroes, but instead "to maim them in horrible and disfiguring ways."