Putin makes Ahmadinejad an offer he can't refuse

By Vladimir Chang
Totalitarianism Reporter

MOSCOW -- Russian officials today threatened to "whack" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad if he didn't come up with overdue payments for nuclear fuel.

"When we deliver non-weapons-grade nuclear material to fuel a nuclear power plant that has not yet been built or paid for, we expect prompt and timely payment," Vladimir Olgovsky, Russian minister for Nuclear and Vodka Proliferation, said. "If we do not see payment within the week, we will immediately halt all shipments of vodka, caviar and mail-order brides, just to make it hurt a little more."

Achmed Navajihadi, Iran's chief negotiator for weapons of mass destruction, said "It's not like we borrowed a lighter to light the candles on his daughter's wedding cake before, how you say, the cake comes out of the oven. In fact, the money is on the way. The check is in the mail! It is not our fault that our money, laundered through France, takes a while to get to the Bank of Moscow! We have video of our president writing the checks and our agents placing the checks in the post box. (We learned that from watching the Rodney Queen incident in Los Alamos, I mean, Los Angeles.) Those Russians are nothing but extortionists, without whom, unfortunately, we cannot build a nuclear bom... I mean, power plant."

A spokesman for outgoing French President Jacques Chirac denied any knowledge of laundering Iranian money.

"President Chirac has no knowledge of any checks that do not cross his desk personally," the spokesman said. "He is only one man, after all."

The Russians dismissed Iran's excuses and said that if they don't have a payment by the end of the month, "Mahmoud will be sleeping with the Chechens."