Alberto Gonzales accidentally fires himself

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales accidentally fired himself today in a botched attempt to clear the taint of scandal swirling around his office.

It was not entirely clear how Gonzales managed to terminate his own employment. A series of interviews with the attorney general yielded numerous conflicting stories.

"Yeah, uh, Sen. Schumer came into my office and me for my autograph," Gonzales said while moving boxes out of his office yesterday afternoon. "He said it was for his nephew in law school, and I was like, sure! So I signed on the little line he pointed to, and he walked out of my office cackling maniacally. That's how he normally laughs, so, like, I didn't think anything of it. Next thing I know, like, someone told me I'd been fired. I was like, 'No way! George is my friend!' But they were like, 'no, dude, you fired yourself,' and they started laughing at me. Why is everybody always laughing at me?"

A few minutes later, coming back up for more boxes, Gonzales related a somewhat different version of his firing.

"Sorry, I don't recall ever giving Sen. Schumer my autograph. I ordered my termination because of performance-related issues with my performance. I don't recall what those issues were, but I must've thought they were darned good ones at the time. I know I had my reasons, I mean, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fire myself without good cause, you know? Hey, can you hand me that Corona box?"

Gonzales said he and he alone ordered his firing, adding that the White House did not even know about it yet because he forgot to cc President Bush when he finished the document late yesterday.

"Oh, that's what 'cc' means!" he exclaimed when told what the two letters below the "to" and "bcc" line on an e-mail form stand for. "I thought it was a space for doodling."

Despite Gonzales' protestations that the White House was unaware of his departure, President Bush's chief political adviser Karl Rove could clearly be seen packing boxes in the far room of the attorney general's offices.

"Karl?" Gonzales said. "Oh, uh, he just came over to borrow my stapler. Says my red Swingline doesn't bind up on him as much as the one George gave him."

Asked what work he might seek next, Gonzales wasn't sure.

"I dunno, I'm sure George'll find something for me to do. He said they might need a new attorney general in Iraq pretty soon."