Google begins imprisoning 'dissidents'

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. -- Google, Inc., announced a crackdown on "dissident" employees, customers and casual users today, saying it intends to "eliminate subversive elements" and "purify the body collective."

"Google has picked up a disturbing increase in anti-Google chatter among the world populace, apparently driven by concern over our collection of vast amounts of personal data," said Google spokesman Gnot Hung. "We were particularly dismayed by the comments made by Gregory Wilson of 532 Windsor Terrace in Oakland, California, and several of his friends. We are pleased to announce that Mr. Wilson has graciously accepted our invitation to participate in a Google-cation seminar which will last. . . indefinitely. His friends also have accepted our invitation and have been made guests of the company, pending completion of their re-education."

Google has opened a series of "Google-cation camps" in remote locations around the globe. The company says the camps will "educate the people about the importance of maintaining personal privacy in this complex digital age. And by 'maintaining personal privacy,' we mean us maintaining it for you because, frankly, you people can't be trusted to search for porn without inadvertently giving away your address, bank account number and pet's name," Hung said.

Jim Garvey, 26, of San Francisco, said three Google employees knocked on his door late one night last week and took his roommate, Brian. "He had just finished complaining on a message board that Google was getting a little too friendly with the Chinese government, when moments later, bam! bam! bam! there was pounding knock at the door," Garvey said. "I put down my wii and answered it, and these three dudes dressed in black with little Google labels on their shirts barged in, grabbed Brian and whisked him away. It was horrible. By the way, do you think he'll be back by the first of the month? Because rent's due and I'm going to need him to pay his half this time."

Hung vigorously denied the incident. "Google does not abduct people in the dark of night," he said. "We do it during regular business hours so we don't have to pay our goons overtime."