Victims of Communist professors demand own memorial

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- College students from across America rallied in Washington today to demand the creation of the Victims of Communist Professors Memorial, which they say will memorialize the millions of undergraduate and graduate students victimized each year by goateed English and history professors.

"We are the forgotten victims of communism!" cried Roger Killoan, 24, a master's candidate in English at Boston University. "We suffer unseen, unheard, sitting in our classrooms in mute silence, muzzled by our own fears of receiving a C from HIM, the Man With The Goatee!"

Eileen Mullins, 19, a sophomore at the University of Tennessee, said she paid for a course in American history from 1933 to the present, but all she was getting was a series of lectures about the virtues of redistributionist policies and the evils of free markets.

"I knew I was in trouble when my professor spent the first 34 minutes of the hour-long class describing the numerous crimes against the American people committed by Herbert Hoover," Mullins said. "When I passed my professor's office I saw that he had big posters of FDR and Che Guevara over his autographed picture of Al Gore, and I knew then that I had to keep my mouth shut. Normally, you know, I'd speak up, voice my opinion. But I need this class to graduate! So I just sit there and bite my lip as he drones on and on about the necessity for the workers to organize against corporate aggression. Did I mention this was a history class?"

The students said they were disappointed that President Bush did not list them among the many victims of communism when he dedicated the Victims of Communism Memorial on Tuesday.

Said 23-year-old UCLA business major Ted Paulson, "We deserve recognition, as do all who suffered in silence before us, especially those who, through no fault of their own, were persuaded to embrace socialism, changed their majors from finance to social work and gave up productive business careers to make $30,000 a year believing that expounding feminist theory to alcoholic wife-beaters is more socially valuable than creating hundreds of $80,000-a-year jobs that provide families with homes, health insurance and retirement funds."

The students suggested that their memorial could feature an angry student rising up, fist raised, desk toppled to one side, against a cowering, balding, bespectacled man wearing a goatee and sweater vest.