New England Patriots win GOP presidential nomination

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

FOXBORO, Mass. -- The New England Patriots soundly defeated every Republican presidential candidate today to win the GOP nomination for president.

"Wooo! I'm going to the White House!" quarterback Tom Brady shouted after the decisive victory.

The Patriots, 7-0 against the GOP presidential field this year, were easily elected by a dissatisfied and disillusioned Republican electorate.

"I didn't really like any of the candidates," Tom Hudson of Clearwater, Fla., said. "And I figured, 'what the hell, the Patriots are undefeated and the Democrats, as usual, don't really have a good defense this year, so I'm going to vote for the Patriots in the primary and then put $50 on them to beat the spread in November."

At a debate in New Hampshire earlier this month, the Patriots won easily when they crowded all the other candidates off the stage and ended up debating among themselves whether they or the 1972 Miami Dolphins were the greatest team in NFL history.

Terry Ingles of Reno, Nev., said he voted for the Patriots over Mitt Romney in the Nevada caucuses because he liked their combination of a strong offense and a strong defense.

"That's what America needs to keep us safe and protect our interests," Ingles said. And if Congress refuses to build a Mexican border fence, we can just send the Patriots' defensive line down there. Nobody'll be gettin' through that!"

Jacob Resco of Columbia, S.C., said he was glad to finally find a Reaganesque candidate in the field.

"None of the other candidates reminds me of Reagan in any way," Resco said. "But when I see the Patriots play, I can't stop thinking of that scene in Knute Rockne, All American, where Reagan asks them to 'win one for the Gipper.' He once played a football player, and they are football players. Given the rest of this field, that's good enough for me!"

Patriots coach Bill Belichick said the players will take the week off while he and his coaching staff prepare tapes on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Patriots linebacker Teddy Bruschi said it was a hard-fought victory despite the score.

"Those old guys are tough," he said. "Sorry I had to sack John McCain a couple of times. I felt bad about that, but what can you do? It's the nature of the game, you know? Anyway, they all played great, but in the end we were just too much for them. I hope we can say the same thing of the Democrats in November."

The candidates did well considering their age and overall absence of athleticism. Given the shortage of players, each candidate played both offense and defense, but they all specialized based on their strengths. McCain, Fred Thompson, Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo made up the defensive line, while Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee took turns quarterbacking and playing receivers and running backs. Rudy Giuliani did not show up until the fourth quarter, then quickly received a career-ending injury and was benched.