Guns'n'butter

Senate testifies about Iraq war before Gen. Petraeus

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Members of two powerful Senate committees today presented testimony on the Iraq war to Gen. David Petraeus, commander of Multi National Forces in Iraq.

Senators invited the general and U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker to Washington to give the two as much advice as possible on how to run the war, the reconstruction effort, and diplomatic affairs in Iraq and the greater Middle East.

"We wanted to be sure Gen. Petraeus had all the best military advice the various lawyers, businessmen, gamblers, and trust-fund babies of the U.S. Senate could give a four-star general," said Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joe Biden.

Biden was among the numerous senators who berated the general for his military strategy and suggested that he take a different approach -- namely the one favored by a majority of voters in the senator's home state.

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., called Gen. Petraeus's approach in Iraq a "failed strategy" and recommended quick withdrawal of U.S. forces just minutes after the general told the Senate Armed Services Committee that the strategy had produced significant, if "fragile," results.

In the Foreign Relations Committee, Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., mocked the general for continuing to believe that progress could be made in Iraq when everyone in California knew that was ridiculous.

After the day-long testimony, members of both committees expressed satisfaction that they had imparted valuable information to the general and ambassador.

"I think they both learned something today," said Armed Services Committee Chairman Carl Levin. "We can sleep well tonight knowing that we imparted the great military expertise of the United States Senate to Gen. Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker."

Hillary Clinton video game released today

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

SANTA MONICA, Calif. -- Activision, Inc. today released its long-awaited Hillary Clinton action-adventure game "Hillary's Quest." The game features Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., taking on a series of increasingly difficult challenges throughout her life, beginning with sexism in the maternity ward (she stands and lectures the male infants on women's rights before battling a giant, sexist baby named Wayne) and running through her later adventures capturing terrorists in Afghanistan, chasing drug dealers from inner city neighborhoods, and defeating Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a martial arts death match.

"Dude! I can't wait to play the Hussies sequence, it's supposed to be awesome!" said 13-year-old Jared Umber of Kalamazoo, Mich. "You have to hunt President Clinton's mistresses inside the White House, and they're, like, everywhere, you know, coming out of all the closets and stuff, and you get to cat fight them, and in the end you have to fight Monica Lewinsky while Bill comes out in his boxers and starts throwing stuff at you. Totally freakin' awesome! I hear there's a secret code that if you use you can even see nipple!"

The game was originally to come with an alternative story line designed for Republicans and Barack Obama fans that featured Sen. Clinton as a monster of unrivaled ambition and duplicity who has to be defeated to save the planet. But company executives said it was so close to real life that they feared no one would play it.

Flush with cash, Obama campaign threatens hostile takeover of Clinton campaign

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

CHICAGO -- Overflowing with more cash than it knows what to do with, Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign announced this morning that it was exploring a hostile takeover of rival Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign.

The financially struggling Clinton campaign had to take out a $5 million loan from the candidate herself earlier this year just to keep going. With Obama continuing to lead in cash and convention delegates, the Clinton campaign is ripe for a takeover, industry analysts say.

"The Clinton campaign is extremely vulnerable right now," said John Ibniz, an analyst at Morgan Stanley. "If Obama times this right and offers the right incentives to sweeten the deal, he could walk away with a very valuable asset -- the presidential prospects of one of America's most famous politicians, for a song."

The Obama campaign did not release details of its plan, nor did it make an official offer this morning. Rather, campaign officials mostly waved the campaign's latest FEC filings in front of the cameras and made raspberries while wearing T-shirts that read, "Obama floats my boat, Hillary floats herself loans."

But senior Obama campaign officials said they are serious about potentially making an unsolicited bid for the Clinton campaign. The deal likely would involve some combination of cash, high-ranking placement in an Obama administration, and "finally doing something about Bill, if you know what I mean," campaign insiders said.

"We're definitely exploring that option," one top campaign official said. "I'd tell you more of the details we've worked out so far, but right now I can't find the clipboard; it's lost under one of the piles of cash somewhere around the office."

Prostitute resigns after being linked to New York governor

By Jimmy DeLoch
Crime Reporter

NEW YORK -- A prostitute for the Emperor's Club VIP call-girl service resigned in disgrace this morning after being publicly linked to New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

The high-priced Manhattan call girl identified last week as Ashley Alexandra Dupré was shamed out of the profession, friends say, for having sex with the big-eared, insufferable, famously self-righteous politician.

"They said, 'Girl, get that sh** outa here!'" a friend reported while leaving a five-star hotel in Manhattan this morning. "'You don't be bringin' no nasty-a** politician 'round here, girl. You know how many hands they shake in a day? You don't know what that man's bringin' to bed with him, you know what I'm sayin'?'"

Rumors had circulated within the Emperor's Club community that someone was bedding the governor, but no one would admit it, former employees say.

"Everybody's gotta make their money," said a former colleague who would identify herself only as Xambia The Magnificent. "The things we get asked to do, you wouldn't believe. And, you know, we do 'em, it's our job. You just separate yourself from the girl you're pretending to be, and pretty soon it's all over and you're $2,000 richer. But sleeping with Eliot Spitzer? That's beyond Thunderdome, man, if you know what I'm sayin'. That's a night of humiliation you never recover from."

In addition to losing the respect of fellow prostitutes and others who run in those circles and who also have serious self-esteem issues -- including bums, drug addicts, the mentally disturbed, and male figure skaters -- she'd also lost the cachet that comes with working as an Emperor's Club call girl.

"The whole point of being a high-priced call girl is that you're selling the fantasy that you're selective, that you're not available to just anyone," said a former colleague named Amber. "But obviously, if you'll sleep with Gov. Spitzer, you'll sleep with anyone, so that pretty much kills the fantasy right there."

"It's a shame, really," said Xambia The Magnificent. "She had such a promising career. I mean, she came out of nowhere, rose to the height of her profession in a few short years, and then, poof!, in a moment of scandal the whole thing comes crashing down. You just shake your head and wonder, 'What was she thinking?'"

New England Patriots win GOP presidential nomination

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

FOXBORO, Mass. -- The New England Patriots soundly defeated every Republican presidential candidate today to win the GOP nomination for president.

"Wooo! I'm going to the White House!" quarterback Tom Brady shouted after the decisive victory.

The Patriots, 7-0 against the GOP presidential field this year, were easily elected by a dissatisfied and disillusioned Republican electorate.

"I didn't really like any of the candidates," Tom Hudson of Clearwater, Fla., said. "And I figured, 'what the hell, the Patriots are undefeated and the Democrats, as usual, don't really have a good defense this year, so I'm going to vote for the Patriots in the primary and then put $50 on them to beat the spread in November."

At a debate in New Hampshire earlier this month, the Patriots won easily when they crowded all the other candidates off the stage and ended up debating among themselves whether they or the 1972 Miami Dolphins were the greatest team in NFL history.

Terry Ingles of Reno, Nev., said he voted for the Patriots over Mitt Romney in the Nevada caucuses because he liked their combination of a strong offense and a strong defense.

"That's what America needs to keep us safe and protect our interests," Ingles said. And if Congress refuses to build a Mexican border fence, we can just send the Patriots' defensive line down there. Nobody'll be gettin' through that!"

Jacob Resco of Columbia, S.C., said he was glad to finally find a Reaganesque candidate in the field.

"None of the other candidates reminds me of Reagan in any way," Resco said. "But when I see the Patriots play, I can't stop thinking of that scene in Knute Rockne, All American, where Reagan asks them to 'win one for the Gipper.' He once played a football player, and they are football players. Given the rest of this field, that's good enough for me!"

Patriots coach Bill Belichick said the players will take the week off while he and his coaching staff prepare tapes on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Patriots linebacker Teddy Bruschi said it was a hard-fought victory despite the score.

"Those old guys are tough," he said. "Sorry I had to sack John McCain a couple of times. I felt bad about that, but what can you do? It's the nature of the game, you know? Anyway, they all played great, but in the end we were just too much for them. I hope we can say the same thing of the Democrats in November."

The candidates did well considering their age and overall absence of athleticism. Given the shortage of players, each candidate played both offense and defense, but they all specialized based on their strengths. McCain, Fred Thompson, Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo made up the defensive line, while Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee took turns quarterbacking and playing receivers and running backs. Rudy Giuliani did not show up until the fourth quarter, then quickly received a career-ending injury and was benched.

Hillary Clinton: Those slaves didn't free themselves, you know

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- Reminding African-American voters here that they should remember who got them this far, Sen. Hillary Clinton today said that they should be grateful to the white executives who gave them everything they have.

"People talk about Martin Luther King Jr., and he was great and all. But let me tell you, without a white person in the White House to give him what he asked for, he'd still be marchin' across bridges in the segregated South, cryin' Lawd hep me!" Clinton said.

"Slavery? You don't see a memorial in Washington to Toby or Sally! No, it's Abe Lincoln sitting in that big ole stone chair! And Jackie Robinson didn't just walk on to the L.A. Dodgers. Branch Rickey asked him to!"

"You think Oprah became a billionaire on her own? Heck no! A bunch of white people in management said let's make some money off this black woman! Will Smith? He was broke when NBC executives gave him that TV show! Welfare? FDR and LBJ. Basketball? James Naismith. You name it, my friends, there's a powerful white leader behind it."

"You can talk all you want about hope and change. But where has hope ever gotten anybody? Nowhere but the ghetto. You want results, put a powerful white person in charge. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Clinton then said she felt for all who suffered in the civil rights movement while waiting for the right white President to come along and hand them their freedom, squeezed a few tears out of her left eye, and sped off in a big white Cadillac with a giant steer horn hood ornament.

Tiger Woods escapes green, mauls fan

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. -- Golfer Tiger Woods escaped the green and mauled a fan before being captured and returned to his pen today.

"It was horrible!" one bystander exclaimed with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity. "I hope something like that never happens again. But, um, if it does, I wouldn't mind again finding myself at a safe 20 or 30 feet away with a decent view."

According to eye witness accounts, Woods was lining up his putt on the 12th hole when a nearby fan in Adidas gear distracted him.

"I'm not sure what that guy did, but it made Tiger really angry," said Walter Hood, who was standing near the unnamed fan. "He was clearing his throat and fidgeting, but it wasn't loud or too bustly. I guess Tiger has extra-sharp senses or something because after about a minute of this he just turned and lunged at the guy."

Dr. Yearly Wifflesplat, a Tiger expert at UCLA, said Woods was likely reacting to what he perceived as a hostile display from the fan.

"To display Adidas symbols close to Tiger Woods is extremely dangerous," Wifflesplat said. "Woods probably considered that an aggressive action. And to compound that with coughing and fidgeting during a putt, also hostile actions, well, the fan is lucky he was a few rows back in the crowd or he'd probably have been finished."

Witnesses said Woods dropped his putter, roared, and leaped over three rows of bystanders to get to the fan. Woods bit the fan's neck and shoulder repeatedly before being pulled off by security personnel, who quickly tied him to the back of a golf cart and sped back to the clubhouse.

"Tiger has been sedated with a series of Jack and Cokes and is resting in his pen," said club spokesman Chip Shot. "Obviously we are very sorry this happened and are taking preventive measures to ensure that nothing like this ever occurs again."

The club is considering replacing the yellow rope surrounding greens with a 10-foot steel fence and placing sharpshooters armed with dart guns atop towers at each hole.

The mauling is the first on a golf course since Tim Daly attacked and seriously wounded a mini bar in 1996.

Little known facts about John McCain

1. Dick Cheney’s “secret, undisclosed location”? Crouching behind John McCain.

2. North Korea’s nuke program began afer Kim Jong-Il bought one of John McCain’s toenail clippings on eBay and accidentally dropped it into a nuclear reactor.

3. Nostradamus tried to predict the rise of John McCain, but the thought alone killed him.

4. Teddy Roosevelt actually said, “Speak softly and carry picture of John McCain.”

5. Rudy Giuliani once invited John McCain to New York City, and all crime instantly ceased.

6. Chuck Norris is John McCain’s decoy.

7. Mitt Romney’s secret of success: On day one, warn all managers: “Perform, or I’ll give you to John McCain.”

8. The original pirate flag was a drawing of John McCain’s face, but it was so terrifying the crew lept overboard every time it was raised. The skull and crossbones was created as a less frightening alternative.

9. Hillary Clinton’s opposition research paper on John McCain is only five words long: “If he is nominated, quit.”

10. John McCain was once bitten by a cobra. It died instantly.

11. Ninjas wear black so John McCain won’t see them.

12. Women wear pink so he will.

13. Santa Claus has three lists: Naugty. Nice. John McCain.

14. The Vietnamese word for “tough” is “McCain.”

15. John McCain’s plan for U.S. energy independence is to plug himself into the power grid for one minute a day.

16. Jefferson’s original draft of the Declaration of Independence read, “. . . all men are created equal, except John McCain.”

17. The commander of the U.S.S. Intrepid’s plan in case his ship ran out of ammo was to put John McCain in a cannon and fire him at the enemy.

18. The devil went down to Georgia because John McCain was in Arizona.

19. Nails think of themselves as “tough as John McCain.”

20. Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, John McCain plans to stare at them until they talk.

21. John Edwards brushes his hair each morning so he’ll look great in case he runs into John McCain.

22. When John McCain was a baby, he dug a hole in his backyard. Today we call it the Panama Canal.

23. Aircraft carriers are so big because they need to be able to carry John McCain.

24. Ken Burns was going to make a film about John McCain’s life, but he realized the story was so incredible no one would believe it.

25. If John McCain thinks about you, you’ll experience total happiness all day long.