Guns'n'butter

Scientists: Al Gore primary cause of global warming

By Calla Dewilde
Environment Reporter

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- A panel of the world's leading climatologists released a "conclusive" study today showing that he existence of former Vice President Al Gore is "the primary cause of global warming."

"Ninety-eight percent of global warming can be attributed solely to the existence of Al Gore," said Massachusetts Institute of Technology climatologist Dhananjay Wilson.

"Global temperatures really began to take off in 1948 -- the year Al Gore was born. With highly sensitive devices made possible by a federal earmark Gore himself inserted into a military spending bill back in 1991, we've been able to trace almost all of the rise in the earth's temperature directly to Gore's own physical existence. We think it has something to do with his unstoppable, seething anger. The remaining 2 percent we think is attributable to Gore's dog, Shiloh."

Gore was at a United Nations conference on global climate change when the report was released. Asked for comment, he called the report inconclusive and said scientists remained divided on the cause of global warming. He blamed the rise in the earth's temperatures on cigarettes, lava lamps and "that damned Ralph Nader."

In the scientific community, however, the findings immediately drew widespread consensus. Scientists worldwide called for an immediate halt to all Al Gore emissions, as well as a global treaty to prevent the creation of any more Al Gores in the future. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said President Bush would immediately sign such a treaty the moment it settled upon his desk.

Fox to Dean: No WE'RE going to take back Texas

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

AUSTIN -- Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said at a party rally here on Tuesday that the Democrats "are going to take back Texas." To which Mexican President Vincente Fox said, "No, way, Jose. We are."

"We already make up 30 percent of Texas' population," Fox said. "And that's not counting the ones we snuck over the border. There are probably more Mexicans in Texas than there are Democrats. I predict that one of my successors will preside over Texas before a Democrat wins back the White House." 

Bill Clinton joins WWE

By Iyama Wannabe
Sports Reporter

STAMFORD, Conn. -- Former U.S. President Bill Clinton today signed a three-year, $30 million contract with World Wrestling Entertainment and promised to unleash massive amounts of cruelty, verbal abuse and spittle upon its veteran members.

Dubbing himself "The Arkansas Assassin," Clinton immediately challenged 14-time WCW world heavyweight wrestling champion Ric Flair to "an Arkansas ass-whoopin'!" 

"I tell you this, and I tell you now, Ric Flair!" Clinton shouted. "Chris Wallace is a real man compared to you! When I get through with you, you're gonna feel worse than one of my ex-girlfriends!" he yelled. Clinton then hollered his new wrestling catch-phrase: "I didn't do it!"

As soon as Clinton finished, Flair leapt out from behind the curtain and lobbed his own verbal barrage at the former president.

"Woooooooooooooo! I got news for you, Mister President!" Flair screamed. "It's time to go back to school! Woooooo! I'm gonna put you in so much pain that you'll remember what the meaning of 'is' is! Wooooo! I'll have you screamin', 'Save me, Ken Starr! Save me!'  Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

At this, Clinton lunged at Flair and had to be restrained by WWE Chairman Vince McMahon while Clinton's Secret Service agents attempted to remove the sledge hammer from Flair's hands.

After security guards led away both wrestlers and a cleaning crew was called in to mop up the saliva, McMahon explained his signing of the former president.

"Bill Clinton has all the makings of a great professional wrestler, McMahon said. "He has the charisma, the energy, the hair, and the ability to lie convincingly. Plus, he's used to working half-naked."

Some fans, however, were skeptical.

"I dunno," said Ricky Tidwinkle, a fan from Jacksonville, N.C. "Adding Bill Clinton to the WWE... Isn't that kinda like pissin' in a perfectly good can of beer?"   

Virginia seeks single citizen who's never used the "n-word"

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

RICHMOND -- Every elected official in the state of Virginia was forced to resign today when it was discovered that each of them had said the "n-word" at some point in their lives. The resignations left both parties desperately searching for a single Virginian who has never uttered the offensive word.

The mass resignations, unprecedented in American politics, came a day after Va. Sen. George Allen and his challenger, former Navy Secretary James Webb, both dropped out of the U.S. Senate race for having used the "n-word" in the past to refer to African-Americans. So far, neither party has found any state resident suitable for public office.

"We thought we'd found someone down in Danville, but a former second-grade classmate said she'd heard him repeat the word after hearing an older boy say it on the school bus," said state GOP Chairman Kate Obenshain Griffin.

The Democrats were doing no better. Even after scouring inner-city Richmond and the entire UVA faculty, the party could find no one, white or black, whose lips had never formed the word.

"Currently we're searching for someone who's just moved here from Croatia," said former Democratic Gov. Tim Kaine, who spoke while cleaning out his office. "We found one woman who'd recently arrived from Thailand, but she was a big 50 Cent fan. I think she'd uttered the word more times than my neighbors, who are total crackers."

Party officials said they are currently working on a compromise in which black Virginians agree to accept a white candidate who has said the n-word, and whites agree to accept a black candidate who has used the word, "honkey."

Hell smells like Hugo Chavez

By Fu Tyle
UN Reporter

UNITED NATIONS -- Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld and noted composer of rap music, said today that he does not smell like sulfur, as commonly rumored and most recently alleged by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

"That is a misnomer," Satan said. "I smell more like an old couch that's been sitting on the porch for a couple of months and has been inhabited by a family of skunks."

What Chavez smelled while denouncing President Bush at a speech here week before last was more likely his own body odor, the evil one said.

"Yeah, Hugo is a buddy of mine; I have him, Fidel, and Mahmoud over on Sundays to watch football and barbecue some infidels. Mahmoud's always mad when they aren't the kind of infidels he expects.

"But I have to tell you, Hugo is one highly malodorous fellow. Seriously. He smells so bad that I had my decorator replace Hell's old odor with Hugo Chavez smell. It's much more offensive than the odor we previously used, which was the septic tank of Willie Nelson's tour bus."

Judge grants class-action status to idiots

By N. Justice
Courts Reporter

NEW YORK -- A federal judge today granted class action status to all "idiots, imbeciles, morons, fools, cretins, saps, doofuses, nitwits, chumps, patsies, fall-guys, dupes and suckers."

In her landmark ruling, Judge Condi Scending of the Eastern District of New York declared that "sinister corporations" have for decades targeted the less intelligent with advertising and labeling designed to prey upon their mental weaknesses.

"American businesses have made billions by exploiting the stupidity of the average American consumer," she said. "Through manipulative trade practices, they have caused the American people to spend money they otherwise would have saved, invested or spent on intellectual pursuits such as playing backgammon and reading Victorian novels."

As a case in point, she cited McDonald's' "You're going to love it here" campaign. "No one over the age of nine loves McDonald's," she wrote. "Obviously, the company has relied on manipulative and exploitative marketing to convince billions of people to consume its inexpensive, tasty and rapidly served menu items."

She also made a reference to the Keds shoe company's "Be Cool" campaign.

"By definition, if you wear Keds you are totally not cool," she wrote. "Everyone learns that on the first day of prep school. Everyone except the dumb kids. Which is why they need me and my legions of fellow black-robed law-school graduates to protect them. "

Judge Scending's ruling sent shockwaves through the stock market, dropping share prices for everything from fast food companies and television networks to The New York Times. The Times' slide was surprising, but analysts who have read its editorial page said they immediately downgraded its stock based on Judge Sensing's singling out of companies that try to lure customers by appealing to "emotion, illogic, and instinct rather than the purity of reason and rationality."

ACLU: Hollywood violates rights of space aliens

By Rock Squarejaw
Hollywood Reporter

HOLLYWOOD -- According to a new ACLU report, the human rights of millions of space aliens yet to be discovered, contacted or even imagined are being placed in jeopardy by a popular science fiction cliche.

"Hollywood clearly and unmistakably violates the human rights of all future alien visitors to our planet," said Chuck Martindale, spokesman for th ACLU Hollywood. "Sci-fi film after sci-fi film initially depicts space aliens in a positive and benevolent light, only to later reveal them as evil, duplicitous, and entirely unstoppable killing machines hell-bent on the complete and total annihilation of our planet and the wholesale slaughter and/or enslavement of the human race.

"All we are asking is that aliens be given their human rights too. Plus, could we have a little plot varitey here? By this point you can pretty much see the 'twist' coming a mile away."

One example cited in the study was a recent arc in Marvel Comics' "Ultimate Fantastic Four," which showed the Skrull alien race giving all humans a pill that granted everyone on Earth super powers, in turn creating a utopian society ruled by President Thor. However, the Skrulls' double-crossed Earth, and their pill eventually caused the death of all humanity. Despite the comic having nothing to do with Hollywood, it was the only example included in the press kit. According to Vitto Smith, owner of Vitto's Comics and Money Laundering on Sepulveda Blvd., Martindale is a big Fantastic Four fan.

The study also found that images of friendly space aliens who, out of the kindness of their space alien hearts, seek to help the human race -- aliens such as Superman and Mork -- are in sharp decline. As a result, the ACLU claims, Americans are 73 percent more likely to harbor feelings of distrust and doubt in the event of first contact with an allegedly friendly alien race.

"Now when space aliens land on Earth promising to grant everyone super powers, people will say, 'Hold on, this is just like in that movie I saw, or just like in 'Ultimate Fantastic Four. Don't do it, everyone, it's a trap!'" Martindale said. "Stories like this are simply out of control. If Hollywood continues its destructive behavior, nice, friendly space aliens will never be able to gain Earth's trust. It's gotten so bad that even Superman is a deadbeat dad. I mean... oh... you haven't seen the new Superman movie yet? Well, you should, it's actually really good. Uh, sorry about the spoiler.

"But getting back to the point, we realize that in the event of contact with an alien race, our concepts of the universe and our own humanity will be shattered, quite possibly leading to mass riots and suicides, as well as a lot of unprotected sex between teenagers claiming to love one another.

"All things considered, it's probably not a bad idea to be cautious. But that doesn't change the fact that thanks to Hollywood, these innocent space aliens have basic human rights that are being violated... or, rather, will be violated immediately upon their historic first contact."

Al-Qaida expects the Spanish Inquisition

By Faruq Yusuf Jihadi
Middle East Correspondent

ISLAMABAD -- An al-Qaida spokesman said today that his organization fully expects the Spanish Inquisition to appear out of nowhere at any moment.

"The Roman Catholic Church, or as we call it, the Not-So-Great-Satan, has been waiting for half a millenium for just the right time to bring back the Spanish Inquisition and have its way with us Moorish folk," said Mahmoud Isbad, chief Pakistani spokesman for al-Qaida. "After what the pope said about the Prophet the other day, can there be any doubt that the Inquisition is about to leap out from behind a closed door when you least expect it?"

Executive who signed Starland Vocal Band to be charged with crimes against music

By Vy Olin
Music Reporter

MEMPHIS – Former Windsong Records executive Bill Parley, who in the mid-1970s signed Starland Vocal Band to a multi-album recording contract, has been charged at the International Musical Court here in Memphis with committing crimes against music.

Starland Vocal Band had a No. 1 hit in 1976 with “Afternoon Delight,” and the band won the “Best New Artist” Grammy. Parley’s attorneys hope to use both of those factors to persuade the jury that their client is guilty of no crime. But prosecutors say that the band’s momentary commercial and critical successes are no defense.

“It was the 1970s,” said “Blind” Willie Jackson, prosecutor for the court. “People thought it was OK to combine electric guitars and mandolins on the same song. In the 1930s, people thought fascism was cool. But that don’t make it right what them goosesteppers did.”

Asked why the court was going after Parley and not the band, Johnson said that as a record company executive, Parley was responsible for protecting the public from stupendously awful folk-pop.

“Those fool musicians didn’t know beans from cornbread. They listened to Bread instead of B.B. King. On purpose! Bill Parley had a duty to protect the public from that crap, and he didn’t do it. He is directly responsible for ruining the musical taste of millions of Americans, and we are going to make sure that he pays.”

If convicted, Parley faces 20 years in prison, or the equivalent musical punishment: one year of listening to nothing but Phil Collins ballads.

Sen. McCain tortures Bush with incessant human rights talk

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON - Human Rights Watch announced today that Sen. John McCain's incessant talk about human rights amounts to a violation of Common Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions.

"The senator's conduct clearly violates Common Article 3's prohibition against 'outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment,'" said HRW spokesman Hugh Mane. "It's a constant drip, drip drip. It's like Chinese water torture delivered in soundbites. And it definitely amounts to humiliating and degrading treatment as defined by the conventions. Let's face it, being spoken down to by Sen. McCain is plenty degrading."

Sen. McCain's spokesman denied that the senator's conduct amounted to torture, but admitted that the senator is willing to do "whatever needs to be done" to defeat the Bush administration's proposal to allow CIA officers to rough up terror suspects.

"The senator does not torture. But he will do whatever it takes to uphold and defend the basic human right not to be outraged, degraded or subjected to the slightest humiliation, even if he has to outrage, degrade and humiliate the president to do so," spokesman Wendy Whistler said.

McCain's around-the-clock verbal assault prompted the Bush administration this morning to petition the United Nations to include "subjecting a head of state to inhumane levels of political rhetoric" in its list of conduct prohibited in its declaration of human rights.

"It's maddening," said one White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear that the senator would retaliate with yet another lecture on the need to be nice to terrorists.

"As a result of McCain's non-stop rhetorical barrage, one of our interns was broken last night. He collapsed onto the floor and began arguing that we should try to win the terrorists over by sending them Kwanzaa cards. It wasn't pretty. We had to show him 158 photographs of 9/11 before he came back around. When he finally came to, he said wanted to kill Osama, so we knew he was going to be OK."