By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter
WASHINGTON -- In an effort to suppress the dramatic rise in sectarian and insurgent attacks, President Bush today ordered the Kiss Army deployed to Iraq.
"All hell's breakin' loose in Iraq," Bush said at a press conference announcing his decision to send 30 legions of Kiss fans to help U.S. forces secure Baghdad and other Iraq hot spots. "The days are hotter than hell, and with the crazy, crazy nights our war machine needs some relief. General Casey called and said, 'Don't keep me waiting, it's like Heaven's on fire down here!' I said, 'General, you're going to get all you can take. I'm sending the Kiss Army!"
Kiss fans across America were immediately mobilized this morning via an emergency alert on all "classic rock" stations coast to coast. Most were surprised to finally receive the call up after three decades of reserve duty consisting mostly of dressing up as Kiss band members for Halloween and reliving the good old days by playing LP records in the parents' basement.
"It definitely shocked me," said Bryan Smith, 43, a forklift operator in Los Angeles. "But I'm ready to go. I mean, I've got nothin' to lose, right? As soon as I find my makeup and have my mom take my costume out in the waist a little bit, I'm there."
Sean Dampier, 39, of Chicago, also answered the call. "Woooooo! Kiss Army, yeah!" he said. "We're gonna make that place radioactive, baby! They got nowhere to run when the Kiss Army gets there! Woooooooo! Kiss rocks!"
President Bush thanked the Kiss Army for its service and pledged to do everything he could to get them home before the next Kiss reunion concert.
"America appreciates your sacrifice," Bush said. "Now go shout at the devil. . . er, I mean, go lick it up down there!"
Bush later said that if the Kiss Army didn't quell the violence, he might be forced to send in the cop and the sailor from the Village People.
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