By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent
PYONGYANG -- North Korean President Kim Jong Il acknowledged today that last week's test explosion of a nuclear weapon was a desperate plea for the attention of other world leaders, many of whom have shunned the dictator and his social calls.
"Just because I'm the leader of a repressive, maniacal regime that starves its own people to death doesn't mean I don't have feelings," Kim said. "I mean, (Chinese President) Hu Jintao and I totally had plans to go to Red Lobster two weeks ago. The day before we were supposed to meet I get a call from his personal assistant, who said he had 'important matters of state' to attend to and would need to reschedule. Talk about hurting a guy's feelings! If he was going to stand me up, he could at least have had the courtesy to call me himself."
According to Kim, Western leaders like President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have been equally standoffish.
"Bush used to be on my AOL buddy list," Kim said. "We used to IM each other every once in a while. I remember one time, he said he liked Alan Jackson, and I said I liked Jesse Jackson. That made him laugh. Well, he typed 'lol' and sent a smiley face, anyway. I sent him an E-vite for my birthday party last year. But he never responded. Maybe he never got it. The Internet is tricky like that, you know."
Even within the so-called "Axis of Evil" Kim has had no luck getting other world leaders to play with him. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has not called him back "for at least three weeks now," Kim said.
Reached yesterday for comment, Ahmadinejad admitted avoiding Kim and his phone calls.
"He calls me, like, seven, eight times a day," Ahmadinejad said. "I mean, I have a state to run. Doesn't he? And when we do hang out, he's a just a big dork-head. He only ever talks about himself. And can you believe he even asked me to call him 'Dear Leader'? What a jerk-face!"
Ahmadinejad found the timing of the nuclear explosion highly suspicious.
"He held his annual pool party and barbecue two days before the test," Ahmadinejad said. "Vladimir told me that no one showed up. Two days later Kim detonates a tactical nuclear device. Does he really expect us to believe that timing was just a coincidence? I don't think so. If he wants somebody to talk to him, he should stop being so weird."
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