South Koreans thank Jimmy Carter for their mortal peril

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

SEOUL -- South Koreans today thanked former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for putting their entire civilization within moments of thermonuclear annihilation.

"Yesterday I was just a fool thinking that the wonderful middle-class life I have created for myself and my family would continue indefinitely, perhaps even forever," said  South Korean computer programmer Heung Moon. "Now I know that my job, house, family, and everything I hold dear in this world could be wiped out at any second upon the whim of a homicidal madman. Thanks, Jimmy Carter!"

"I've always wanted to see a beautiful orange mushroom cloud moments before being vaporized," said electronics company executive Lee Min. "Thanks, Jimmy Carter!" 

South Koreans effusively thanked Carter for his famous 1994 trip to Pyongyang, during which he negotiated a deal, later finalized by then-Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, in which North Korea pledged to halt its nuclear program. The North Koreans used the deal to buy enough time to build a handful of nuclear bombs, which now threaten the very existence of all 49 million grateful South Koreans.

Carter is known to be the only person on earth who actually believed the North Koreans would uphold their side of the agreement. But the ever-polite South Koreans thanked the former president for his efforts anyway, saying that they were happy to be the victims of such a nice, well-meaning person.

Carter insisted on Monday that the complete and utter failure of his diplomatic efforts in North Korea, which led directly to Kim Jong Il's acquisition of untold numbers of thermonuclear devices, did not prove that his negotiations 12 years ago were futile.

"I don't care what the newspapers say," Carter said. "I know my efforts were worthwhile because they won me the Nobel Peace Prize. Are you going to believe one little nuclear explosion or five experts selected by the Swedish Parliament?"

Comments

[Circe]

On behalf of the State of Georgia, I aplogize for subjecting the world to Jimmy Carter.

We plan to auction him off to the highest bidder. No Reserve. (All bids must be in Swedish krona).

[Don DeSandro]

Carter is in comparable company when one remembers the other individuals who have won the Nobel Peace Prize in recent years. The problem is the committee has conflicting objectives. The objective is to select individual(s) who have helped bring peace to the world. Their selection is entirely oriented to rewarding individuals promoting the committee's political agenda. The media forgets the primary objective and puffs up the individual hasn't met the objective but has satisfied the committee's political objective. We need to form another Peace Prize Committtee.

[Don DeSandro]

Carter is in comparable company when one remembers the other individuals who have won the Nobel Peace Prize in recent years. The problem is the committee has conflicting objectives. The objective is to select individual(s) who have helped bring peace to the world. Their selection is entirely oriented to rewarding individuals promoting the committee's political agenda. The media forgets the primary objective and puffs up the individual hasn't met the objective but has satisfied the committee's political objective. We need to form another Peace Prize Committtee.