Guns'n'butter

NY Times publishes Bush adviser's grocery list

By Fernando McGillicutty
Media Reporter

NEW YORK -- In a move that its editors characterized as a vital step in maintaining the level of informed citizenry necessary in a free society, The New York Times today obtained and published the personal grocery list of White House national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley.

The shopping list, scribbled in pencil on a sheet of official White House notepaper, was leaked to the Times by an anonymous government source. 

"We think the American people have a right to know what the president's top advisers are eating, what type of deodorant they use, and whether they drink Coca-Cola or Pepsi," Times Executive Editor Bill Keller said in statement posted on the newspaper's Web site. "It helps us understand what sort of individuals our public servants are. Besides, the list was written on official White House notepaper, so the way I see it, that makes it a public document."

The list contained a dozen items Hadley reminded himself to pick up at the supermarket: Gala apples, whole wheat bread, peanut butter, bananas, toilet paper, a pack of light bulbs, hamburger, provolone cheese, Wheaties, thyme, Prego Zesty Mushroom spaghetti sauce, and shaving cream.

It was unclear whether the list was leaked after Hadley's trip to the store or before he was able to put its directions into action.

Hadley could not be reached for comment. Later in the day the Drudge Report claimed that Hadley was seen wandering a Washington area supermarket with a confused expression on his face.

Russian scientists discover gene that causes death by assassination

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

MOSCOW -- Government scientists in Russia announced today that all Russian dissidents share a rare gene that causes them to suddenly die by assassination.

"People carrying the gene secrete a pheromone that triggers an uncontrollable impulse to kill in anyone who happens to be nearby," said the study's lead author, Dr. Yuri Korolyov of the Republican Children's Hospital of Moscow. "But that's not the amazing part. Astonishingly, average citizens affected by the pheromone feel an overwhelming urge to kill using only techniques favored by trained government assassins. When a carrier comes into contact with someone who just happens to be in possession of poison, government-issued firearms or radioactive material, well, that is one of life's unfortunate coincidences."

Researchers said the gene entirely explains an amazing array of violent deaths and disfigurements previously identified as assassinations and assassination attempts, from the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko and Victor Yushchenko to the shooting of journalist Anna Politkovskaya, and that no other investigation of those incidents is needed.

So far the gene has been found only in Russians, Poles and residents of other former Soviet bloc countries, though researchers suspect it might also be found in Chinese, North Koreans, Cubans, Iraqis, Iranians, Syrians, and Sudanese.

Russian President Vladimir Putin praised the findings and said they confirmed his suspicion that only genetic defectives could possibly oppose him.

Kramer to prove he's not racist by freeing half of his slaves

By Rock Squarejaw
Hollywood Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- In an attempt to quell charges of racism following an embarrassing racial rant, former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards announced yesterday that he would immediately emancipate half of his slaves.

"All those people calling me racist," it's ridiculous," Richards said. "I'm not racist. I mean, I bought those slaves as a joke. And just to prove it, I'm going to release half of them so they can pursue careers as basketball players, panhandlers, jazz musicians, shuckers and jivers, or whatever else those people like to do."

After freeing eight of his 16 slaves, Richards checked himself into an alcohol rehab center. In a statement released through his attorney he maintained his sensitivity "to all colored people" and said that he wanted the record to reflect that, for what it's worth, he had never molested children or made derogatory comments toward Asians.

The controversy surrounding Richards' remarks has left the status of his new sitcom -- "Zany Neighbor in a Predominantly Upper Middle Class Suburb" uncertain.

Some analysts have said that Richards might survive the firestorm over his comments and be able to salvage a career in Hollywood.

"It's not like he insulted the Jews," one said. "Oh, wait, he did insult the Jews before he insulted the blacks. Forget it; he's screwed."

Bush stops war after seeing new 'Peace, Love, Gap' ad

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Wearing a brand-new red cashmere Gap hooded sweater, President Bush today announced an immediate and unconditional withdrawal of  all U.S. forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, signaling an astonishing and abrupt end to the five-year-old  global war on terror. The president said his decision came late last night after seeing The Gap's new "Peace, Love, Gap" ad while watching David Letterman.

"The Gap is right," said Bush, looking young and trendy in his new Gap hoodie. "Seeing all those celebrities and attractive young people being happy in their Gap hoodies made me realized that we really should be together in our 'hoods. We should believe in our 'hoods. We should not make war in our 'hoods or other people's 'hoods. How in the world did I miss that fundamental metaphysical truth all these years?"

The president said he was particularly moved by the combination of rapper Common's song, written specially for the clothing retailer's "Peace, Love, Gap" campaign, titled "Holiday in Your Hood," and the image of a beautiful little girl smiling. The girl, it turns out, is Common's daughter.

"Who knew that all it took to bring peace in our time was a television commercial featuring a rapper and his adorable daughter exploiting both Christmas and hippies to sell American teenagers low-end clothing that was manufactured overseas?" Bush said. "Thanks, Gap! Your cynical but mesmerizing TV ad has opened my eyes to the truth!"

Bush said he planned to nominate Trey Laird, Gap's creative director, to replace John Bolton as America's ambassador to the United Nations early next year. "If he can sell preppy clothes to street kids and sell me on peace, love, and Gap, just think what he can sell to the numskulls at the U.N.!" Bush said.

Kerry botched statement about botched joke botches '08 campaign

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., today botched his 2008 campaign when he botched a statement about last month's botched joke about the president. Intended to clarify his intentions regarding running for president in 2008, the statement instead left observers confused and uncertain about what he meant and whether he intended to run for president.

Attempting to say that his botched joke about President Bush would not affect his chance of becoming president, Kerry instead gave multiple conflicting statements about whether he would run for the White House in 2008.

"It was  a botched joke, the people understand that," Kerry said on 'Fox News Sunday.' "It will not affect my decision to run for the White House again. Wait, that wasn't quite clear. I did not intend to say that I am running, only that I'm not. I mean, I might be considering it. I am considering it. It's just, if I decide not to run, it will not be a factor. The joke. I am not not running because of a botched joke. What's that look for, Chris? That wasn't clear? OK, look, here is the point: Why wouldn't I run? The people respect me. I have dignitas and gravity. I mean, gravitas and dignity. Wait, is that right? Dammit, can we start over?"

After the show, Kerry released a statement clarifying his remarks.

"I am considering running for the Democratic nomination for president in 2008. No botched joke is going to stop me. From considering, that is, not from running. Right now I haven't decided. I'm idling in neutral. Just like the soldiers Bush sent to Iraq. I mean, not that they're just sitting there doing nothing. They are brave men and women, fighting hard for freedom and democracy. And oil. They're fighting for oil, too. Mostly oil. Freedom not so much, now that I think about it. Bush is using freedom to justify his war for oil, any idiot can see that.

"I'm not saying the troops who believe they're fighting for freedom and democracy are idiots. They're all geniuses, every one of them. Geniuses. They're almost as smart as me. I'm not saying they're dumber than me. I mean, I did go to Yale, so, you know, it's hardly a fair comparison, is it? An Ivy League graduate and a bunch of guys with GEDs? Come on. I grant that they're all smart, but what I mean is that they're not very well educated.

"Which is why I propose a new GI bill to send every veteran to an Ivy League school. And that's what the next election is going to be all about. Ivy League education for our troops. So they don't get stuck in Iraq. We all know that every red-blooded American schoolboy dreams of sitting in the library, studying at Harvard or Yale. But not all get that chance. Some have to go to Cornell, or even Brown. And that's not fair. I have a plan to change that. The Republicans don't want to talk about it. They just want to talk about my popular standup comedy routine. But the American people are smarter than that. Even the ones who can't get into Yale. If I'm president, everyone will be able to get into Yale or Harvard or Dartmouth. Or at least Brown. Now go ask the Republicans about that. I've got to go. I've got reservations at L'Espalier. Au revoir.

"I mean, ta-ta.

"Uh, I mean, bye."

Poor kids line up for second-hand Playstation 2s

By Wang Ming Tsing Moon Wong Ching Ping
Technology Reporter

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. -- Poor kids are lining the sidewalks in tony neighborhoods across America in the hope that later today they will score a second-hand Playstation 2 from their social superiors.

With the spoiled offspring of wealthy American families nationwide expected to arrive home later this afternoon with their brand-new $600 Playstation 3 consoles, poor kids say they need to be in good position to grab the hand-me-down game systems before anyone else.

"See that huge stone thing with the 10-foot iron fence and the six garages? It's Tommy Wilson's house," said little Jimmy Nifong, 9, 0f Springfield. "My friend Billy says he's got three PS2s in there, one for his play room, one for his bedroom, and one for the living room. I'm betting his mom throws out the one from his bedroom tonight. When it hits the trash, I'm going to be right here in the bushes waiting for it."

Meanwhile, with the price of used PS2s expected to drop sharply, low-income teenagers, wads of hastily scraped-together cash in hand, are lining up outside pawn shops and second-hand toy stores.

"I've been waiting years for this," said Vin Pino, 16. "Now I can finally use all those Grand Theft Auto cheat codes I downloaded at the library so the other kids would think I was cool."      

Kofi Annan urges world to ignore global warming and pretend it will just go away

By Fu Tyle
U.N. Reporter

UNITED NATIONS -- United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan said today that global warming was as great a threat to civilization as weapons of mass destruction, and therefore it deserved an equally serious response from the world community.

"Global climate change must take its place alongside those threats -- conflict, poverty, the proliferation of deadly weapons --  that have traditionally monopolized first-order political attention. And by first-order political attention, I mean complete and utter inaction by the world community," Annan said.

"The United Nations must treat global warming exactly as we have treated the threats from genocidal regimes, kleptocracies that starve their own people, and the worldwide proliferation of weapons of mass destruction at the hands of terrorist organizations and rogue states. We must vigorously denounce it, preferably with a haughty twirl of the index finger and a carefully practiced expression of deep concern, before heading back to our hotel rooms to order pizza and hookers and otherwise enjoy all of New York City's wonderful amenities at the expense of our respective nations' unsuspecting taxpayers."

Maureen Dowd thinks America has a clue who she is

NEW YORK -- Though not one in 20 Americans would recognize her name or be able to identify her in a police lineup, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd nonetheless thinks that most Americans probably know who she is.

On a trip to Starbucks yesterday, Dowd pointed out the way the clerk looked at her.

"Did you see the way he eyed me with fawning admiration after I ordered Fair Trade Certified Cafe Estima Blend grande skinny latte?" she asked with excitement. "He was telling me with his eyes, 'I respect you tremendously.' I get that look ALL the time.

"It's just like when I was interviewing Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Oh, they tried to play it off, joking about me, making fun of me, laughing at my expense. But I understand that the jokes were just their way of expelling the nervous energy caused by the thrill of being in my presence."

As Dowd walked back to the Times, an elderly couple stopped her on the street, held out a piece of paper and shyly asked if she might sign it. Dowd whipped out an elegant Mont Blanc pen and cheerfully autographed the paper before wishing the couple a pleasant stay in New York.

"I can't tell you how many times that happens to me," she said. "It's why I always keep the pen handy. Don't want to disappoint the adoring masses. Well, the clean ones, anyway. For the grubby ones I carry mace."

The couple, Mr. and Mrs. Harold Farley from Woodhill, Mo., were thrilled.

"You always hope to meet a celebrity in New York City, but I never dreamed I'd meet a big star like her," Mrs. Farley said. "I can't wait to get back to Missouri and tell everyone that I met Barbra Streisand!"

Pelosi backs anti-war Vietnam vet because 'it worked so well with John Kerry'

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- House Speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi has officially backed decorated Vietnam veteran John Murtha as the Democrats' public face on the Iraq war because trotting out a liberal who once served in the military "worked out so well for us in 2004," Pelosi said.

"Your strong voice for national security, the war on terror and Iraq provides genuine leadership for our party," Pelosi wrote in a letter to Murtha. "Thank goodness the Democrats have an anti-war Vietnam veteran to put forward on national security issues. You will be an impenetrable shield deflecting all Republican attacks on our war policies, no matter how irresponsible, cowardly or cravenly political those policies are. Just like John Kerry was."

Pelosi said her next move will be to ask the Rev. Jesse Jackson to speak at the 2008 Democratic National Convention to show America that Democrats know some religious people too.

Hastert announces Crazy Denny's Going Out of Business Sale!

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert yesterday announced that the GOP Congress would hold a massive going out of business sale today through New Year's Eve.

"I'm Crazy Denny Hastert, and you're going to LOVE our End of Republican Governance Sale!" Hastert yelled during the filming of a late-night TV commercial on the Capitol steps yesterday morning. "It's our final 2006 clearance; everything must go!

"We've got the greatest deals on influence peddling, graft, bribery and general corruption this side of Caracas! Want a road built to your business? A special tax break? A subsidy for your mismanaged old-economy corporation? We'll find a way to cram it in before the next session! Don't wait; call now!

"If you act within the next 10 minutes you'll be eligible for a very special offer: Buy one congressman, get one free! You heard me right! Buy off a member of the Armed Services Committee, get a member of Ways and Means for free! Deals like this won't last forever, so call now!"

"If you want memorabilia from the GOP majority, we've got it! We're absolutely overstocked with Chris Chocola coffee mugs, John Hostettler autographed bills, Tom DeLay wallet-sized mug shots, and a locker room full of Mark Foley gym clothes! We even have a whole closet full of Newt Gingrich novels! No reasonable offer will be refused!"

After filming the commercial, Hastert rushed off to meet with other top Republican leaders to figure out why they lost last week's election despite having left President Bush totally unsupervised in the White House while they ran up unprecedented levels of pork spending and special interest legislation.