John Kerry clones self, becomes Hawk Kerry, Dove Kerry

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

BOSTON -- Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., solved his long-standing troubles with self-contradiction today by cloning himself and separating his conflicting personas into two completely different people: Hawk Kerry and Dove Kerry.

"The cloning was the easy part," said Dr. Julie Katani of Harvard Medical Center. Separating Kerry's two faces was much more difficult. After the operation, Sen. Kerry's dovish persona expressed feelings of tremendous vulnerability and weakness and attempted to cling to its hawkish alter ego. We had to forcefully separate them. Dove Kerry eventually relaxed after we posted armed guards around his room to reassure him that he would not be randomly attacked."

Dr. Katani proclaimed the procedure, the first of its kind in the world, a great scientific achievement. "We were able to successfully liberate Sen. Kerry from his inner anguish. The two Sen. Kerrys are now free to be themselves, without compromising to please undecided and moderate voters," she said.

Kerry and Kerry revealed themselves at a press conference today, and unlike their former self -- gun-shy, conflicted and always explaining what he "meant to say" -- each spoke in a remarkably straightforward, assured and unrestrained manner.

"Whew! What a relief," Hawk Kerry said. "I'm finally free of that stinkin' Hippie Kerry."

"That's Dove Kerry, you warmongering fascist!" said Dove Kerry.

"Don't you talk to me that way, you terrorist-coddling peacenik! I'm Hawk Kerry!" Hawk Kerry said.

"Lapdog! You voted for Bush's illegal war!" Dove Kerry said.

"I voted for the $87 billion before you voted against it!"

"Bush lied, people died!"

"Support the troops!"

"Bring them home!"

"French poodle!"

"Guards! Protect me from that beast! He's making threatening motions with his eyebrows!"

The press conference then devolved into a shoving match in which the two Kerry personalities had to be separated by security personnel. Dove Kerry said he would press charges for assault, criminal threatening, and eyebrow intimidation.

Hawk Kerry dismissed the charges as nothing more than "the pathetic squealings of Osama's favorite poodle."

Dove Kerry left to campaign for Democratic Candidates in California, Massachusetts and Wisconsin. Hawk Kerry said he felt like punching someone. "Does anyone have John Murtha's phone number?" he asked.

Comments

[urbuggenme]

There should be a Congressional investagation, find out who knew John was going to say it and why they covered it up. Start with Howard Dean and what he knew, then John Mertha and of course Hillery & little Billy.
John Kerry should be forced to resign.

RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN RESIGN