By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter
WASHINGTON -- White House political adviser and nacho-eating champion Karl Rove said today that his secret plot to have the New Jersey Supreme Court issue a controversial gay marriage ruling days before the 2006 election worked exactly as planned.
"Brilliant!" Rove said. "Everything is going according to plan! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"
Rove said the well-timed court ruling was the fruit of a 13-year campaign strategy hatched in 1993.
"That's the year we got Christie Todd Whitman elected governor of New Jersey," Rove said. "She won by a single percentage point thanks to our last-minute mailing duping New Jersey's several million gay poets into thinking Christie was related to Walt Whitman.
"Phase II involved getting Christie to appoint liberal judges. Actually, it being New Jersey and Christie being Christie, Phase II just kind of took care of itself. I still collected a paycheck, though. I mean, I did have to spend several months in New Jersey."
Whitman nominated Justice Virginia Long in 1999 and Justices Jaynee Lavecchia and James "Pizazz!" Zazzali in 2000. Justice Helen Hoens, nominated by Democratic Gov. James Corzine, was originally appointed to the Superior Court by Whitman in 1994.
"She was our sleeper," Rove said. "When Corzine nominated her, we were all like, 'Hell, yeah, Congress is ours, baby!'"
The New Jersey Supreme Court's other three justices were appointed by Gov. James McGreevey, who delighted Republican strategists by resigned in a gay sex scandal.
"When McGreevey got elected, it was like a dream come true," Rove said. "We knew then it was only a matter of time. Actually, it was a dream come true. Except, in the dream the gay governor wasn't Jim McGreevey, but Ellen Degeneres' girlfriend. But that's, uh, don't print that."
Phase III consisted of Rove using his superhuman mind-control powers to make seven gay couples sue New Jersey over the right to marry.
"That was the tricky part," Rove said. "At first I started hanging out at organic markets and wine bars. But the contact was too fleeting. I really need to lock brainwaves for several hours straight to get it to work. So I rented a helicopter and slowly flew over the state at 2,000 feet each night. In a week and a half we had our plaintiffs."
Rove simply laughs at news reports suggesting that Republicans responded quickly after the ruling to reignite the gay marriage issue for the electorate.
"I made them report that. It's all part of the plan... Muah... Muah ha... Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"
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