Guns'n'butter

Too funky for Heaven, James Brown assumes rule of own spiritual domain

By Harold Bethyname
Religion Reporter

HEAVEN -- In an agreement signed today between the three great powers of the universe -- God, Satan, and James Brown -- the Godfather of Soul has been granted the status of a minor deity, allotted his own after-worldly domain, and given the title, "Eternal Godfather of All Things Funky."

Brown will rule over his own kingdom, James Brown's Eternal Blue Light Basement Party, created out of a section of the after world formerly assigned to Limbo. According to the agreement, he will have dominion over the souls of all who are too good for Hell but too funky to get into Heaven.

"We felt this was a good compromise," said Heaven spokesman St. Peter. "Originally, James was to be seated at the good foot of the Father and made official MC of Heaven. Unfortunately, he's just too damn sexy to let into Heaven. If he were to somehow get hold of a microphone, all Hell would break loose. Literally. Besides, he's far too powerful to be assigned to a final resting place with regular human souls. His hips alone can cure impotence and heal the blind. And you should see what he can do with his hair!"

Brown said his kingdom might be small, but it's "superbad, uh, come on! You ain't wanna rest no place else, Ha! Unh! Get on up wicho soul! Heh!"

To keep out pretenders, wannabes and "jive turkeys" from neighboring Limbo, entry to Brown's eternal kingdom will require completion of a secret handshake all funky people will innately know.

Inspired by John Edwards, male model enters presidential race

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

NEW YORK -- Inspired by the example of former Sen. John Edwards, male fashion model "Roberto" announced today that he is running for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination.

"I was always taught that in America, anyone can become president," Roberto said at a press conference this morning. "But it was not until John Edwards went from obscure trial lawyer with no political experience to a serious presidential contender after one undistinguished term in the Senate that I realized just how easy becoming president could be. Had I known that it required no assets other than perfect bone structure, a dazzling smile, fabulous hair, and the ability to spout meaningless platitutdes over and over again, I'd have run a long time ago."

Echoing Edwards' pledge to end poverty in 30 years, Roberto promised to end what he called a much more ingrained and pernicious social injustice than poverty.

"When I look around me today, I don't see a united America," Roberto said. "I see an America divided. Through no fault of their own, too many Americans are prevented from realizing the American Dream: effortless access to money, prestige, and attractive members of the opposite sex. That is not the America I believe in. When I am elected president, ugly people will finally get access to the levels of privilege and comfort from which the beautiful people have unfairly excluded them for so long.

Roberto pledged to end ugliness in America through a comprehensive array of federal programs, including remedial fashion training, "universal skin care," free liposuction, and subsidies for plastic surgery.

"We have the resources to make every American sexually attractive," Roberto said. "All we need is the will, and a leader to flex his perfectly sculpted biceps and point the way."

Roberto then struck three stunning poses for the cameras and disappeared behind a fashionable black curtain.

Afterwards, local resident Vera Banto said she definitely would vote for Roberto if the Democratic presidential primary were held today.

"Oh, he's way hotter than that other guy with the pretty hair," Banto said. "I'd definitely vote for him. Unless McDreamy runs. He'd get my vote. Well, if Johnny Depp doesn't get into the race, that is. He's so perfectly gorgeous that you just know he'd make an awesome president!"

Gay-basher unwittingly delighted by all-gay Christmas carolers

By Digby Hicklehooper
Stringer

SPARTANBURG, S.C. -- Local gay-basher Henry Coupling was "delighted" by the "truly beautiful" Christmas carols performed in front of his home last night by a local gay men's chorus, which he mistook for a church choir.

"Now that's how 'O, Tannenbaum' should be sung!" Coupling exclaimed joyfully to his wife, Meg, after the Cheeky Carolers' stirring rendition of the traditional German carol. Coupling also said he was thrilled by the vocalizations on "Here We Come A-Wassailing." And although he enjoyed "I Saw Mammy Kissing Santa Claus," he said he found it confusing.

"For a minute there I thought I heard, "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus," Coupling said. "But that can't be right. Must've been the wind."

Completely unaware that all nine men in the group were as queer as Elton John on a merry-go-round, Coupling told his wife that he thought the carolers "looked sharp" in their Santa caps, matching red-and-green outfits, and elf shoes with bells on the tips. When the carolers finished, Coupling happily gave them $20 for what he thought was the "local aid group." 

Mall elf sure this Christmas will be his big break

By Rock Squarejaw
Hollywood Reporter

LOS ANGELES -- Aspiring actor Byron Smithers said yesterday that he was sure his gig playing Santa's assistant at the Beverly Center mall in Los Angeles would lead to a significant role in a major motion picture very soon.

"I'm certain that a prominent director or producer will bring his children here to see Santa, and when that happens, I'll be ready," Smithers explained. "I beat out eight other actors to get this part, so already someone's seen something special in me. To prepare for the role, I watched every Christmas movie ever made. I even followed a midget around for a week and spent $4,000 to have the tips of my ears surgically pointed. Aren't they awesome?! Better than Spock's, for sure!"

Over lunch at the food court, Smithers fiddled nervously with a stack of 8x10 glossy black and white publicity photos of himself, pre-ear job. "Oh! Look! It's Steven Soderbergh!" he exclaimed suddenly. "No, no, it's just the Hugo Boss floor manager. Man, at this distance and angle he looks just like Soderbergh. Hey, is that producer Terry Rossio?!" 

Smithers said he enjoyed the acting, but he wasn't sure about his other "cast members."

"Santa smells like cookies and Jack Daniels," he said. "And he's really mean. He's always calling me an f-ing little elf-man. I don't know where he went to acting school, but I don't think he knows anything about how to get into character. The elves aren't much better. They never act chipper and happy like elves should, and they're always sneaking to the back of Santa's workshop to smoke something that smells funny." 

If the elf gig doesn't turn out to be his big break, Smithers said that after Christmas he'll get a job busing tables at some swanky private New Years Eve party, "preferably Jerry Bruckheimer's, if he's doing one. I think I'd really be great in National Treasure II."

In his frantic search for big-time directors and producers he hoped could launch him out of his dead-end career path, Smithers failed to notice the 14 management-level job openings posted throughout the mall.

Castro clings to life in hope of oppressing a few more people before he dies

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

HAVANA -- Eighty-year-old Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro is fighting for his life in the hope that he can oppress a few more people before he dies.

The Cuban strong man, ruthless ruler of this island nation since 1959, has killed thousands of people to obtain and maintain power, and friends say that all he wants is to enjoy a few more minutes of cold-hearted brutality before going straight to hell.

"He's got a few more beatings, disappearances, and imprisonments in him, I just know it," brother Raul Castro said. "It's so hard to see him fading like this, unable to lift a pistol, a whip, or even a syringe filled with some noxious poison. You know, it was the simple pleasures in life that kept him going all these years -- smoking cigars, drinking mojitos, ruthlessly crushing his enemies. To see him unable to enjoy even an ordered detainment or property confiscation, well, it just gets you right here."

Weakened and barely coherent, Castro attempted to order the execution of a random person, just for the fun of it, a few days ago. But all he managed to do was point his finger at a nurse and mutter something incomprehensible. Guards responded by bringing Castro a glass of water, completely failing to execute the nurse, whose presence now serves as a constant reminder to Castro of his reduced state, further embittering the ailing tyrant.

Quickly expiring in one of his own sub-par state hospitals, the world's longest reigning Marxist's only remaining hope is that some Western sap comes to visit and leans down to whisper something into the dictator's ear. At that point, Castro can reach up and strangle the visitor with his own bare hands.

Though such a scenario is unlikely, it is possible.

"My friend Fidel is a much misunderstood man, especially here in the United States," said former president Jimmy Carter. "Yes, he killed, tortured, and imprisoned thousands of people, but he meant well. Now if you'll excuse me, Fidel's just invited me to see him one last time. Toodle-oo!"

Bush drafts Sen. Obama

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Responding to an unprecedented groundswell of political pressure from the American people, President Bush today agreed to draft Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill.

"I can no longer ignore the pleas of the Draft Obama movement," Bush said during a brief press conference at the White House. "They've demanded action. They've made it very clear that they will not rest until their demand is met, and I've decided to meet it. Today I have issued an executive order drafting Sen. Barack Obama into the United States Marine Corps."

Democrats immediately objected on constitutional grounds, saying that only Congress could legally instate a military draft. But Bush insisted that after a thorough legal review he had the authority to unilaterally draft a single individual into the armed forces. "Alberto said it was OK," Bush said.

Despite creating a television ad and a petition to have Obama drafted, the Draft Obama movement was not pleased with the president's decision.

"That's totally not what we meant!" said Draft Obama founder Ben Stanfield. Bush said he did not have time to quibble over details. "They wanted Obama drafted; I drafted him. Next question."

Republicans universally praised the move, calling it "bold," "decisive," "patriotic," and "draftastic." Though nearly all Democrats opposed it, a few expressed support for Obama's drafting.

"We all must support our president during a time of war," said Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y. It is unfortunate that Sen. Obama will have to postpone his political career until after the 2008 presidential election, but he is a very patriotic American, and I'm sure he is happy to serve his country and his president in this manner." 

Sen. Obama is to report to Parris Island, S.C., on Monday morning. Upon completion of basic training, he is to be deployed to Iraq, where he is expected to immediately be considered a front-runner to replace Nouri al-Maliki as president.

Clinton NSA spy list revealed

From a source who acted only on condition of anonymity and Kirsten Dunst's phone number, Guns 'n' Butter has obtained a classified Clinton administration memo proving that President Clinton ordered the National Security Administration to spy on Princess Diana, among others. At considerable risk of receiving a severe finger wagging from former President Clinton, we reprint the memo here.

-- The Editors

   

NH woman dies after contracting Obama fever

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

MANCHESTER, NH -- A 40-year-old New Hampshire woman died from sheer joy on Tuesday, two days after a momentary physical encounter with Illinois Sen. Barack Obama.

Linda Wilton, manager of a boutique trinket shop specializing in glass figurines and other useless crap appealing to easily pleased women with poor taste, had driven more than an hour and a half to see Sen. Obama at the a state Democratic Party fund-raiser in Manchester, her best friend, Cindy Felton, said.

"She adored Sen. Obama," Felton said. "She had this Obama screen saver, which she made herself from pictures she downloaded from the Internet, and she was always talking about how well-spoken he is, how he came from such humble beginnings, a broken home and all that, and how he overcame such tremendous obstacles to make something of his tall, dark, lean, deep-voiced self. Come to think of it, I don't remember her talking about his policies very much. Maybe Social Security once. . . No, wait, that was Al Gore."

Wilton -- who often referred to Obama as "Oh, mama!" -- did not expect she'd get to meet her idol at the 1,500-person event. But the junior senator from Illinois worked the crowd after his speech, and Wilton wound up briefly shaking hands with the tall, slender, well-dressed senator with a sultry baritone voice, sincere eyes and firm grip.

"He held her hand for about a second and a half, said 'Hi,' and moved on to the next person," Felton said. "But as soon as that 'Hi' came out of the senator's mouth, Linda collapsed, turned purple, and fell into a feverish sweat."

Wilton was rushed to the hospital, where friends say she spent two days in a delirium, periodically waking and muttering, "Save us, O-B Wan Illini, you're our only hope!" before losing consciousness again.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Wilton was the country's first confirmed death from Obama fever. "But that doesn't mean she'll be the last," said Dr. Anil Dehengui. "There are a lot of lonely, politically interested women out there who are looking for a politician whose affirming, inspirational rhetoric can temporarily make them forget the excruciating dullness of their empty, meaningless lives and feel good that they share with someone important the same pie-in-the-sky ideals."

To reduce the risk of contracting Obama fever, Dr. Dehengui recommended avoiding politicians who utter excessive amounts of the words "hope," "believe," and "together we can make America great again." Dr. Dehengui recommended that anyone expecting to come into contact with Sen. Obama try to inoculate herself by reading six to eight Pat Buchanan columns at least an hour beforehand.

James Baker tries to talk muggers out of robbing him

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Held up by two armed muggers yesterday, former Secretary of State James Baker III attempted, but failed, to talk them out of robbing him.

"There I was walking down the street when these two men, one very tall and one very short, popped out of nowhere, pointed handguns at me, and demanded my money," Baker said. "Now, I knew that it was not in the long-term interests of either of these men to rob anyone. The research clearly shows that men in these situations would benefit from job training, counseling, and perhaps even some rehab. I knew I just had to show them what was in their best interests. So I explained to them exactly why putting down their weapons and walking peacefully away was really the best option for everyone, a true win-win. I even drew a chart showing the long-term income potential of petty robbery vs. a job paying the median wage in the greater Washington, D.C., area, and detailing the relative risks of both career choices.

"Incredibly, they robbed me anyway," Baker said. "They even took my chart."

Baker was on his way to a television interview to discuss his Iraq Study Group's recommendation that the United States engage Syria and Iran in diplomatic discussions to convince them not to foment conflict in Iraq to draw that nation into their own sphere of influence.

Rumsfeld joins Ahmadinejad's street gang

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

TEHRAN -- Spurned by the American people in last month's elections, former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has run away to join a mysterious street gang organized by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, according to intelligence sources.

Ahmadinejad is assembling a massive gang called The Claw of Extreme Unpleasantness, U.S. intelligence sources say, though they admit that with so few Arabic speakers their translation might be a bit off. "We're pretty sure it's either that or Psychedelic Purple Bandwagon," one intelligence officer admitted. "Of course, we'd have a better idea if we had a translator who spoke Persian. Arabic was the closest we could get, unfortunately."

What is certain is that over the past month, Ahmadinejad and Rumsfeld have exchanged the same gangland-style hand signs. Analysts believe that yesterday Rumsfeld left for Iran to take up a new job in the gang's leadership.

"We aren't quite sure what that new job is," said a CIA source. "But we're working on it. We've requested another $23 billion to study it. If all goes well, we should have an answer in six to 24 years."

Others thought Rumsfeld would do the same job for Ahmadinejad that he did for President Bush: Cook.

"He makes a mean tuna casserole," said White House political adviser and official presidential food tester Karl Rove. "His pound cake also is excellent, and Ahmadinejad loves pound cake."

The purpose of Ahmadinejad's street gang was unclear. Ahmadinejad already is the president of a sizable nation soon to be equipped with nuclear arms, so the value of leading a street gang is not known.

"Evidently he just likes to make hand signs and listen to rap music," said one CIA official.