By Harold Bethyname
Religion Reporter
HEAVEN -- In an agreement signed today between the three great powers of the universe -- God, Satan, and James Brown -- the Godfather of Soul has been granted the status of a minor deity, allotted his own after-worldly domain, and given the title, "Eternal Godfather of All Things Funky."
Brown will rule over his own kingdom, James Brown's Eternal Blue Light Basement Party, created out of a section of the after world formerly assigned to Limbo. According to the agreement, he will have dominion over the souls of all who are too good for Hell but too funky to get into Heaven.
"We felt this was a good compromise," said Heaven spokesman St. Peter. "Originally, James was to be seated at the good foot of the Father and made official MC of Heaven. Unfortunately, he's just too damn sexy to let into Heaven. If he were to somehow get hold of a microphone, all Hell would break loose. Literally. Besides, he's far too powerful to be assigned to a final resting place with regular human souls. His hips alone can cure impotence and heal the blind. And you should see what he can do with his hair!"
Brown said his kingdom might be small, but it's "superbad, uh, come on! You ain't wanna rest no place else, Ha! Unh! Get on up wicho soul! Heh!"
To keep out pretenders, wannabes and "jive turkeys" from neighboring Limbo, entry to Brown's eternal kingdom will require completion of a secret handshake all funky people will innately know.