Guns'n'butter

America's homeless mourn Barbaro

By T-Bone Johnson
Homeless Reporter

NEW YORK -- Ned Mazzili, 28, of the big cardboard box in the alley behind Rosario's Pizza, lit the remnants of a votive candle in memory of 2006 Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro last night.

"Barbaro was like a police flashlight shining into the darkness that is my life," Mazzili said. "Whenever I'd wake up face down in a filthy alley after a four-day Boone's Farm bender, I'd lift my head from the muck and slime and say, 'Remember Barbaro. One day, Neddie, you'll have your comeback too. Then I'd go lift another bottle in his honor."

Ben Porter, 39, who lives under a park bench in San Francisco, has a magazine photo of Barbaro taped to the bottom of his bench.

"I feel like I lost a son," Porter said. "Everyone knows that today's thoroughbreds are not as hardy as those of a century ago, and yet Pimlico stubbornly sticks to a natural track surface instead of switching to a safer synthetic one that might reduce injuries to these fragile and majestic colts. There are hundreds of serious injuries a year, and if track owners don't do something in the aftermath of this most tragic loss, I shall have no choice but to protest by canceling my subscription to Thoroughbred Times and no longer peering creepily into the windows of sports bars that show the races. Enough is enough!"

Willie Green, 54, of the steam vent by the J. Edgar Hoover FBI building in Washington, D.C., said he felt sorry for Barbaro's owners. "I know I weigh 143 pounds, have lice and am in such poor health that I probably won't live through the winter," Green said. "But Roy and Gretchen Jackson, damn, they just lost millions of dollars in revenue that horse was sure to bring in throughout his lifetime. That's real loss, man! If I had a hat, I'd take it off to them, poor devils."

The Homeless Racehorse Lovers of Greater Washington will hold a vigil for Barbaro this Friday night at eight. The group will light 21 trash can fires in the horse's memory, provided "Crazy" Fred doesn't forget to steal the matches and lighter fluid.

Hillary asks Bush to end war before her term begins

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Sen. Hillary Rorschach Clinton, D-N.Y., asked President Bush on Sunday to kindly end the war in Iraq before her inauguration because, frankly, she'd rather not deal with it.

"The president has said this is going to be left to his successor," Clinton whined during a town hall meeting in Davenport, Iowa. "But that's just not fair! It's his war, he should finish it! I have no desire to mess around with a bunch of smelly men in dirty uniforms fighting about whatever it is men fight about!"

Clinton said she really wasn't very interested in playing with soldiers and would much rather stay at home and involve herself in domestic issues.

"I've spent my whole career preparing to heal the sick, care for the elderly, assist the poor and hang out with girlfriends and crack jokes about my husband. It's just not fair if I have to cut out one of those things and play war!"

At that the mostly female crowd erupted into cheers of "You go, girl!" and "Boys have cooties!"

Clinton demanded that President Bush end the war now and not leave it for a woman to clean up. 

"Wouldn't that be just typical of a man to make a mess and wait for a woman to come in behind him and clean it up?" Clinton asked to squeals of delight from the crowd. "Well, mister, that's not my job! I expect that by the time I take office in January two years from now, you'll have this war all tidied up and I can focus my energies on bending  the entire population of the United States to my iron will."

President Bush fined $5,000 for taunting

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- The NFL fined President Bush $5,000 today for taunting House Speaker Nancy Pelosi during last week's State of the Union Address.

In his address, President Bush said, "I congratulate the Democrat majority." Democrats prefer "Democratic." They say it subtly reminds people of populist President Andrew Jackson, whereas "Democrat" subtly reminds people to grab their wallets.

In addition to the verbal taunt, the president pointed at Pelosi and wagged his finger before somersaulting into the end zone, spiking the ball and doing an end zone dance "wholly inappropriate for the NFL's family audience."

"For his flagrant taunting of Speaker Pelosi and the entire Democratic majority, President Bush was fined $5,000," an NFL spokesman confirmed on Sunday. "He also has to sit out next week's Cabinet meeting."

Asked what authority the NFL had to fine the president of the United States for a violation of NFL rules, the spokesman said, "Oh, yeah, that was in the 2002 farm bill. Man, I bet Bush wishes he vetoed that one now!"

Joe Biden thrilled with four seconds of air time during State of the Union address

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Sen. Joe Biden, D-Delaware, said he was thrilled with the four seconds of "face time" he received on most network television broadcasts during President Bush's State of the Union address Tuesday night.

"The network television coverage of my campaign for president has far exceeded my expectations so far," Biden said in an interview today. "Frankly, I expected to get just one second of coverage during the State of the Union, so, technically, my campaign is already four times ahead of expectations.

"When my potential donors hear this, they're bound to give even more generously than before, which, honestly, was not very generously. By the end of February, I should be able to afford dial-up access for my campaign headquarters, and maybe some postage for mailers."

Cheney spends entire State of the Union address looking at Nancy Pelosi's legs

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Stuck sitting through his seventh straight State of the Union Address without a crossword puzzle or doodle pad, Vice President Dick Cheney fought off boredom during the president's speech last night by seeing how many times he could sneak surreptitious glances at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's legs without getting caught.

Repeatedly pretending to adjust his trousers or look around the room, the vice president availed himself of multiple, extended looks at Pelosi's well-formed calf muscles. The speaker, busy trying to maintain a look of careless disdain accented by an occasional touch of knowing condescension, never noticed the vice president's bemused, and increasingly bold, staring, even when Cheney at one point pretended to pull up his socks so he could bend down for a better look.

"I can't believe I got away with that live on national television," Cheney said. "That was awesome!"

Cheney said that, upon further reflection, having Pelosi as speaker is not as bad as he thought it would be.

"I tell you what, staring at a nice set of legs for an hour beats the hell out of trying to tie Denny Hastert's shoelaces together. Man, but it would've been great if I'd have been able to pull that one off!"

In desperate bid for popularity, Bush hires Everly Brothers to open State of the Union address

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- With his job approval rating at a dismal 33 percent, a lonely and isolated President Bush made a last, desperate attempt to regain his popularity by hiring his favorite band, the Everly Brothers, to open his State of the Union address tonight.

"Heck, I know I'm about as popular as a skunk at a barbecue right now," Bush said. "And frankly, that stings like a dang prairie cactus. I might be president, but I have feelings too, you know. So I was listening to my iPot-thingie that the twins got me, and my favorite song, 'Wake Up, Little Suzie', came on, and I thought, that's it!"

The president hired the Everly Brothers to sing their 1957 hit "Wake Up, Little Suzie" before he delivers his address to the nation tonight.

"Everybody loves 'Wake Up, Little Suzie'," Bush said. "I mean, you can't have a better opening act than that. And after that dang ole happy, bouncy -- and, we all know, a little naughty -- song gets everybody feelin' great, I'll hit 'em with my new health care plan! Yowie, this is bound to work!" 

Bill Richardson announces run for better cabinet position

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

SANTA FE -- New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced yesterday that he really, really wants to be secretary of state, or "at least secretary of education" in the Obama, Edwards or Clinton administration.

"I was energy secretary under Bill Clinton, and that was cool. Yeah, I got to tour the Tennessee Valley Authority once. But, you know, I still didn't get recognized at the mall," Richardson said during a press conference yesterday. "If I were secretary of education at least I could have my picture up in school administration buildings, and I could go on CNN every now and then."

Richardson, who announced his presidential candidacy during the NFL playoffs yesterday, said that if elected president he will work on developing a better sense of timing. He also acknowledged that more people watched the Patriots/Colts game -- in the stands -- than will ever remember his name, unless he commits a heinous crime while still governor.

"Barack, John, Hillary, if you're listening, call me," Richardson said. "I could be a really good secretary of state. Or treasury. I'd take treasury or education or maybe even transportation if it came with free travel. Don't forget, I'm Hispanic! Mucho voteso!

Student dismayed to find that supposed communist leader is actually a fascist

By Fitzhugh G. Tweeding
Higher Education Reporter

PHILADELPHIA -- Colin Henderson, a sophomore political science major at the University of Pennsylvania, was shocked and saddened to discover that Gen. Ricardo Tevez Colon, leader of the small South American country of Zarabanda, is a self-professed fascist. Henderson had admired Colon, a man he believed to be communist, for years.

"I thought Gen. Colon oppressed people and murdered tens of thousands in the name of social justice and equality," Henderson said. "It turns out the bastard does it to impose order and inspire nationalism. The fact that I ever liked this guy makes me want to puke."

With only a small handful of American admirers, Colon was dismayed to learn of Henderson's recent comments.

"The American boy sent me a letter two years ago. He praised my leadership and unwavering drive to make my country great and my people strong," Colon said. "I don't get many letters from America. I was so proud. I put his letter up on my refrigerator. Now he calls me a fascist pig. He can go to hell."

Henderson discovered Colon's fascism during his Modern Political Perspectives class last Thursday.

"Professor McTavish was crediting some of the world's great communist leaders -- people like Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il, and Hugo Chavez. I raised my hand to offer up Colon as a noteworthy, up-and-coming communist. Needless to say, I was totally embarrassed when McTavish told me Colon was a dirty fascist. From now on I'll be sure to distinguish between my murdering fascist bastards and my benevolent communist father figures."

National newspaper accidentally runs positive story on Iraq war

By R.W. Crabapple
Media Reporter

NEW YORK -- The New York Times shocked its readers and journalism insiders yesterday by unintentionally publishing a story that portrayed the Iraq war in a positive light. The story glowingly reported the heroism of a single U.S. Marine during a raid on a terrorist stronghold in Anbar province.

"We have no idea how this story got in there," a top Times editor said yesterday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But you can bet your ass that someone is going to get fired. For the love of the country, I can only thank god the story didn't run before the election."

Pentagon staffer Lt. David Wall said he took one look at the story and muttered softly to himself, "Holy crap!" Wall said he showed the story to a Pentagon co-worker, a decorated Marine combat veteran, who promptly fainted.

New York Times officers rushed to assure readers that the paper had not been purchased by The Wall Street Journal and that its blend of first-rate reporting and incorruptible impartiality had not been compromised by the erroneously published story of one Marine's bravery and heroism.

"The New York Times maintains the highest standards of journalistic integrity," Times Executive Editor Bill Keller said in a statement released late yesterday afternoon. "And that is why we are so dismayed to have published a story that appeared to take sides in this difficult and confusing conflict our newspaper has covered with flawless impartiality for nearly the past four years. That space was supposed to have been filled with a report of the latest Baghdad bombings, followed by an interview with anti-war political leaders, which was to be enhanced by a graphic detailing the utter hopelessness of the American military position in Iraq, all capped by a 'news analysis' of President Bush's numerous faults as both a political and military leader. We at the Times believe our impartiality is our most important asset, and I apologize to our readers for possibly giving the impression that this newspaper was promoting one side or the other in this lousy war."

Top Ten features of the new iPhone

10. Comes with pre-installed photos of a pantiless Paris Hilton.

9. Press "666" and it rings Mikhail Gorbachev.

8. Tells how to ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" in 137 different languages.

7. Automatically backdates your stock options.

6. If you're kidnapped by a 300-pound pizza guy, it will call for help.

5. Laser pointer can cut through steel bars, like the kind found in minimum security prisons that hold executives convicted of securities fraud.

4. Can power a space station, disable foreign satellites, Taser assailants, and order pizza in every language known to man. But it doesn't have call waiting.

3. Has a viable Iraq exit strategy.

2. Pre-programmed to prank call Bill Gates every 15 minutes.

1. Has unique ability to make Steve Jobs even richer.