Guns'n'butter

Actors who played president to run for president

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

HOLLYWOOD -- Several dozen actors who have played the president of the United States in television and in motion pictures formed their own presidential exploratory committees today and declared that they were as qualified as anyone to be president.

"If having only two years in the Senate can qualify Barack Obama for the presidency, then surely playing the president in two Michael Bay movies qualifies me," said actor Stanley Anderson, who played the president in "The Rock" and "Armageddon."

"Hell, I've got more Senate experience than Obama does," said Alan Alda, who played Sen. Arnold Vinick on "The West Wing" for 22 episodes from 2004 through 2006.

Upon the news that "Law & Order" actor and former Sen. Fred Thompson, R-Tenn., was considering running for president, the entire cast of the 1980s CBS soap opera "Capitol" announced that they also were considering running.

Actors Dennis Haysbert and D.B. Woodside, who played succeeding presidents on the FOX hit "24," say that, already having experience as the nation's first and second black presidents, each is a more logical choice than Sen. Obama.

"He's got two years in the Senate, but I've got 80 episodes under my belt," Haysbert said. "That's five years!"

It was initially reported that Marvin the Martian and Alfred E. Neuman were running. But they both turned out to be sightings of candidate Dennis Kucinich.

Congress invites homeless former vice president to testify on global warming

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- Reeking of liquor and righteous indignation, former Vice President Al Gore stumbled off the street and into two congressional hearings today and testified that "the end is near" unless humankind repented its sins immediately.

"We're all gonna burn!" the homeless former Vietnam veteran screamed at members of Congress, who had invited him to testify in hope that it would make him feel useful and relevant again. "Mark my words, you sinners! You-uns is all gonna die!"

"We'd hoped the former vice president would see that he remains loved and even respected, and that this would lead him to get help finding a rent-subsidized apartment, and maybe even a job," said an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Unfortunately, all the attention only fueled his madness."

At the House subcommittee hearings, Gore called committee members "money-worshiping Gaia-killers" who had "put the comfort and well-being of millions of third-world nobodies ahead of our glorious Mother Earth."

"What's a few million Africans and Indians compared to the lovely forests of Tennessee?" he asked, referring to one congressman's comment that the emissions restrictions Gore advocated would doom much of the Third World to continued poverty. "Sure, you can hug a person, but trees hug back!" he shouted. "I know! My cousin is a poplar!"

In the Senate, Gore said the earth would "explode any minute" if Congress didn't immediately lower earth's temperature by mandating that ice cream trucks drive around all summer long with their doors open. He then filled his mouth full of pop rocks and soda, spewing the concoction all over his table before screaming, "She'll blow just like that, you bastards!"

After the hearings, Gore returned to his homeless shelter, where he could be seen lecturing the other residents on the need to conserve energy by muttering less often and sticking to one sidewalk begging spot all day long.

Putin makes Ahmadinejad an offer he can't refuse

By Vladimir Chang
Totalitarianism Reporter

MOSCOW -- Russian officials today threatened to "whack" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad if he didn't come up with overdue payments for nuclear fuel.

"When we deliver non-weapons-grade nuclear material to fuel a nuclear power plant that has not yet been built or paid for, we expect prompt and timely payment," Vladimir Olgovsky, Russian minister for Nuclear and Vodka Proliferation, said. "If we do not see payment within the week, we will immediately halt all shipments of vodka, caviar and mail-order brides, just to make it hurt a little more."

Achmed Navajihadi, Iran's chief negotiator for weapons of mass destruction, said "It's not like we borrowed a lighter to light the candles on his daughter's wedding cake before, how you say, the cake comes out of the oven. In fact, the money is on the way. The check is in the mail! It is not our fault that our money, laundered through France, takes a while to get to the Bank of Moscow! We have video of our president writing the checks and our agents placing the checks in the post box. (We learned that from watching the Rodney Queen incident in Los Alamos, I mean, Los Angeles.) Those Russians are nothing but extortionists, without whom, unfortunately, we cannot build a nuclear bom... I mean, power plant."

A spokesman for outgoing French President Jacques Chirac denied any knowledge of laundering Iranian money.

"President Chirac has no knowledge of any checks that do not cross his desk personally," the spokesman said. "He is only one man, after all."

The Russians dismissed Iran's excuses and said that if they don't have a payment by the end of the month, "Mahmoud will be sleeping with the Chechens."

Duke grads 80 percent less cocky this morning

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- A team of cultural anthropologists here reported that Duke University graduates arrived at work this morning 80 percent less cocky than usual following Friday's NCAA tournament loss to unranked Virginia Commonwealth University.

"We observed Duke grads shuffling into work with their heads down, striding quickly past colleagues while turning their coat collars up, and otherwise doing everything they could to avoid attracting attention to themselves, said Dr. Irving Woo, team leader for Project Jerk Watch. "Remarkably, in some instances we discovered Duke graduates actually being polite to their non-Duke-graduate co-workers this morning," Dr. Woo said. "And I mean genuinely polite, not the sarcasm-tinged fake politeness they typically exhibit."

Dr. Woo said his team was surprised to measure the 80 percent reduction in Duke graduate cockiness.

"We always thought that the Duke swagger was predominantly associated with academics, but that appears not to be the case," Dr. Woo said. "If you think about it, without the basketball program, how many Americans would have even heard of Duke University? Our data show that Duke graduates' natural arrogance is multiplied by the ability to brag to co-workers about basketball, which opens the door to their bragging about what a great school they went to, but which they also feel is the only subject their intellectual inferiors can comprehend."

However, Dr. Woo added, many Duke graduates are smart enough to realize that their colleagues are, by virtue of working similar jobs at similar pay and similar social standing, are in fact their social equals and couldn't care less where they went to school. "So bragging about the success of Duke's basketball team becomes their only means of asserting social dominance."

Despite the 80 percent drop in cockiness, Duke graduates still measured at the top of the Cockiness Scale, Dr. Woo said. "Even at 20 percent cockiness, they're still a bunch of arrogant pricks," Dr. Woo said. "They register fourth behind Harvard graduates, poetry professors and elected Democrats."

John Edwards: I'll sue God over world poverty

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

MANCHESTER, NH -- Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards yesterday said that if elected president he would sue God for neglecting his duties as protector of the poor and the meek and for breaching his contract with humanity.

"How can the Lord Almighty just sit there and do nothing as people in Africa, Asia, and right here in George W. Bush's America go hungry and die every day of disease, war and malnutrition?" the multi-millionaire trial lawyer asked during a speech at St. Anselm College. "Here's the truth: that's just wrong. And I can prove it in court, provided I have an impressionable jury of questionable intelligence and exceptional empathy."

Edwards, one of the most feared trial lawyers in America when he was a practicing attorney, said that if elected president, he would "sue God's robes off."

Among Edwards' claims:

* God has done nothing to follow through on his promise that the meek shall inherit the earth.

* God misled the entire human race into believing that accumulating wealth was associated with negative outcomes.

* God misled the entire human race into believing that their maladies could be healed through prayer, thereby turning millions away from effective medical remedies.

"God said he would provide for you," Edwards said. "But you just have to look at the squalor that exists in Somalia, Albania, or that neighborhood my caravan drove through on the way here this morning to see that he breached his contract. I can hold him to his promises, but not without your support."

Edwards announced that people could go to his Web site and contribute to his Poor Folk of the World Legal Defense Fund if they wanted to help.

Edwards seemed to be most outraged at what he said was God's claim that becoming wealthy was "somehow a bad thing."

"For his own purposes, God encouraged people to remain poor," Edwards said. "We know that poverty is associated with early death. Clearly, God wants to shorten our earthly lives so he can have more souls to keep him company. Here's the truth: That's just wrong. As president, I can do something about that. I am the only candidate who knows how to sue to get those souls back. I can also get God to pay every human being a settlement of at least a dollar, dollar-fifty. Maybe a dollar seventy, if we get the right judge. That might not sound like much, but it'll go a long way in Ethiopia."

The Gonzales e-mails

NOTE: This gunsnbutter.com spoof first appeared in The American Spectator yesterday.

Late last fall, the White House discussed with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales the possibility of firing all U.S. attorneys. These internal e-mails between Gonzales and various White House and Justice Department officials reveal how the plan was hatched:

From: Harriet
To: Alberto

Al,

I've got a GREAT idea -- almost as good as putting me on the Supreme Court! (Sorry about that one, by the way. Who knew the country would demand "qualifications," whatever those are??) Anyway, here it is. How 'bout we fire all U.S. attorneys and replace them with the president's buddies? Wouldn't that be awesome?!! Think of it: Every U.S. attorney a loyal ally of the president! Imagine how much of our agenda we could implement! What do you think?

Harriet


From: Alberto
To: Harriet

Harriet,

Great idea! I'll order it done right away. Get back to you asap.

Alberto

From: Alberto
To: Kyle

Kylio,

The president wants to fire all U.S. attorneys. Frankly, I have NO IDEA how to do this. But if the president wants it done, I'm going to find a way. A couple of questions. Do executive orders cover law firms? Please find the caselaw on this. I think most of the president's major corporate donors will resist having their staff attorneys forcibly removed. We have to come up with something of value to offer them as compensation. Maybe Karl doing a motivational speech for their employees? Think on that one. And what about attorneys in private practice? I mean, how do you fire someone who's self-employed? Maybe the Small Business Administration would know. Please advise when you're done with that brief on how to legally send Patrick Leahy to Guantanamo.

Alberrrrrrto


From: Kyle
To: Attorney General Gonzales

Attorney General,

I could be wrong here, and I certainly don't want to overstep my authority. But, my guess is that when the president informed you that he wanted all U.S. attorneys fired, he probably meant all federal prosecutors, not all attorneys in the United States, though that certainly was a reasonable assumption on your part.

Kyle

P.S. We can't legally get Leahy into Guantanamo Bay unless we catch him engaged in an act of war against the United States. Thwarting the agenda of the president of the United States is not currently classified as an act of war. I already looked.


From: Alberto
To: Kyle

Kyle,

Of course the president meant all federal prosecutors. I totally knew that. I was just testing you.(You passed.) Now, on the firing of all U.S. attorneys, what would be the downside to that? I mean, other than really depleting our side for the annual Justice vs. Defense softball game. Hey, remember that time I got a single off Secretary Rumsfeld to drive in the winning run?!

Alberrrrrrto


From: Kyle
To: Attorney General Gonzales

Attorney General,

Yes, I do remember the time you drove in that run! Thanks for reminding me again, I hadn't thought of that since our conversation about it last Friday. Good times, good times. So, I was thinking of other possible downsides to firing all U.S. attorneys, and ones that I see are: 1) Losing the entire prosecutory capability of the United States government at once. 2) Losing the Republicans we've worked so hard to put in those positions over the past six years. 3) Massive political opposition from the Democrats. 4) Fired attorneys might be reluctant to contribute to your campaign for governor of Texas in 2010.

Kyle


From: Alberto
To: Harriet

Harriet,

Working on the plan to fire all U.S. attorneys. A couple questions. If we fire all the attorneys, what if we have to prosecute someone? Also, can we wait until I've collected my first round of donations for my gubernatorial race?

Alberto


From: Karl
To: Alberto

Hey Al,

Harriet forwarded me your last e-mail. Forget your gubernatorial race. It's all in my capable hands. You win 53-47. Don't ask me how. That's for me to know. As for the attorneys, I've decided, I mean, the president has decided to fire only seven of them. Too late in the game to fire them all. So pick the seven least reliable ones, and let me know.

K-man


From: Alberto
To: Kyle

Kyle,

Whew! White House says we're to fire only seven U.S. attorneys, not all of them. I asked if we could fire Janet Reno. He said no. :( Anyway, which seven do you think we should can? I was thinking, "Last hired, first fired."

Alberrrrrrto


from: Kyle
To: Attorney General Gonzales

Attorney General,

"Last hired, first fired" would mean firing the last Republicans we were able to confirm in the Senate before it turned Democrat. I would suggest that is counterproductive. We probably want to weed out the least loyal ones and fire them. I'll ask Mike for nominees and get back to you by morning.

Kyle


From: Alberto
To: Karl

Karl,

I'll have your list of seven attorneys to fire in the morning. On another note, what are you getting the president for Christmas? I was thinking about an audiotape of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed singing the Star Spangled Banner. Don't laugh. I know a guy who can make it happen. You getting him that urinal with Nancy Pelosi's face laserprinted on it, like we talked about?

Alberto

Chuck Hagel postpones decision on which IHOP breakfast to order

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- After initially telling her that he would definitely order by 8:15, Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel asked his waitress this morning for a few more minutes to decide what he would like for breakfast, sources say.

"I stand at a historic crossroads in my daily food consumption routine," Hagel told Rita, his waitress at a Washington area IHOP. "I am here to announce that my family and I will make a decision on my breakfast future later this morning."

"He TOLD me he'd have a decision by 8:15," an annoyed Rita said. "So I come back at 8:15 and he announces -- announces, mind you -- that he'll make a decision some time later this morning. But he wouldn't tell me when. What the hell was that all about?"

Hagel said he would continue weighing his options and would make a decision at some point.

"In making this announcement, I believe there will still be options open to me at a later hour," Hagel said. "But that will depend on the people of IHOP and this country. I cannot control that and I do not worry about it. In conclusion, I would like to commend my fellow diners for making the difficult decision between consuming the Pancake Combo, a savory omelet, or the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity breakfast. I admire each of them for their willingness to put themselves in these booths and pursue their culinary beliefs and ideals."

Bush scores some sweet Colombian on Colombian trip

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

BOGOTA -- President Bush said he "scored some sweet Colombian" during his brief visit to Bogota yesterday and planned to smoke it all on the day-long flight back to Washington.

"This outta last till about St. Louis," said the president as he held up a plastic baggie full of a dark green weed-like substance.

Asked whether he feared arrest for narcotics possession upon his arrival in Washington, the president said he wasn't worried about it.

"By the time we get to D.C., this little baby will be all puffed away," Bush said, shaking the baggie. "Besides, I will have violated no U.S. law, as I'm on Colombian soil now, and will smoke the entire bag while sitting in this giant beanbag chair President Uribe gave Laura and me this afternoon, so, technically, we'll be on Colombian soil the whole time. Pretty sweet, eh?!"

The president said he had intended to bring some back for Vice President Dick Cheney, but decided against it.

"I was gonna bring Dick some, but then I saw this awesome black post card that says 'Bogota at night' on it. Get it? It's just like the one I got him from Uruguay, except this one says 'Bogota' on it. Freakin' hilarious, man! He's gonna totally trip out!" 

Comic book writers killing off super heroes too quickly for super villains to adjust

By Dorcus Malorcus
Nerd Reporter

METROPOLIS -- Super villains from across the comic book universe gathered today to petition the real world's comic book writers to stop killing off all the cool superheroes.

"As much as I wished Captain America dead for all these years," said Nazi super villain Red Skull, Captain America's arch-nemesis, "now that he's gone I'm really bored and, frankly, a little lonely. Would you please bring him back so I have something to do besides hanging out with Baron Nemo and Dr. Necrosis?"

Lex Luthor, whose nemesis Superman was killed off in 1993, offered to counsel Captain America's suddenly lost and disoriented enemies.

"I know what it's like to suddenly find yourself without a polar opposite. It's very disorienting, like you've lost a twin brother. An insufferable, goody two-shoes, mamma-always-loved-him-better twin brother, but a twin brother nonetheless. I'd genuinely like to do what I can for those super villains who find themselves in that vulnerable and lonely position. Well, the ones rich enough to afford $100,000 an hour for my expertise, that is."

Dr. Doom begged Marvel Comics executives not to let their writers kill off the Fantastic Four.

"Look, I hate those four bastards," Doom said. "Especially that jerkface Reed Richards. But, honestly, if I didn't have them to plot against, I don't know what I'd do with my time. Let's face it, I'm one of the smartest men in the world. I need at least four superheroes to fight at once or I'll quickly become bored out of my iron-encased skull."

Dr. Jonathan Crane, a Gotham City psychology professor who also fights Batman as The Scarecrow, said super villains often suffer from severe ADHD and need the thrill and challenge of fighting a superhero.

"Combating the police won't do," Crane said. "We need opponents who can really keep us on our toes, keep our minds moving, thinking, processing. We also need to feel important, and having someone with superpowers chasing us around town makes us feel really, really special. The only thing that would make us feel more special is defeating the superheroes and taking control of the whole universe. But then there's the boredom again. So you see, we really need the superheroes. For the love of god, don't kill them off!"

The super villains presented a petition asking the executives at Marvel and D.C. comics not to kill their superheroes, but instead "to maim them in horrible and disfiguring ways."

Libby sneezes, but gets no pardon

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby had a sneezing fit right in front of President Bush this afternoon, but received no pardon from the president, White House sources say.

Libby stopped by the White House for a brief reception with President Bush, who wanted to thank him for "taking one for the team." Once inside the Oval Office, Libby was overcome by a fit of five or six sneezes, witnesses say.

"He was sprayin' junk everywhere," said one eyewitness.

Finished sneezing, Libby automatically said, "Pardon me," as he reached for a handkerchief. A moment of uncomfortable silence befell the room before Vice President Dick Cheney shuffled his feet on the carpet, coughed, said, "Well, thanks for comin', Scooter!" and ushered his former chief of staff out of the room.