Guns'n'butter

Chicago-born Hillary Clinton fakes Chicago accent

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

CHICAGO -- Chicago-area native Hillary Rorschach Clinton affected a Chicago accent at a campaign rally here today, surprising the many supporters who presumed she was from someplace else.

"'Ow 'bout dem Bulls, eh?" said Clinton as she strode on stage wearing a Chicago Bears jersey and Chicago Cubs baseball cap. "As yous guys know, I'm grew up in Pahk Rige, rootin' fer da Cubbies and, ah, that football team we all love. . ." she glanced down at her jersey, "da Bears!"

Local meatpacker Brian Pulanski said he was surprised to learn that Clinton was from the area. "I heard her speak to that group in Manhattan dis week, an' I t'ought she was from Tennessee. I didn't know she was one ah us," he said between bites of one of the enormous "Clinton's Giant Sausages" the campaign was selling for refreshment.

"My Gad, I need a sassage!" Clinton exclaimed in the middle of her speech. "Somebody get me a sammich and a pop!"

Hairdresser Sheila Grabowski said she was definitely going to vote for Clinton after hearing her local accent.

"For someone to make her staff research local history so she can pretend to remember it from her childhood, and to spend so much energy learning the accent to trick us into voting for her, you know, it really shows tremendous initiative. If she'll lie to me about something as fundamental as her dialect, just imagine how duplicitous she'll be when dealing with Ahmadinejad or Putin. We definitely need a president who will stoop to any low to get what she wants."

Pelosi skips IRS, writes tax check out to herself

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi cut out the middle man and paid her 2006 federal income taxes directly to herself, she said yesterday.

"What the hell, it's all coming to me anyway," she said.

Pelosi urged all Americans to do the same next year.

"Look, we all know that I and my redistributionist buddies are going to take your money and hand it out to our friends, campaign contributors and various political constituencies," she said. "What's the point in giving those IRS goons a cut of it? Just make your check out to Nancy Pelosi and send it to 235 Cannon HOB, Washington, D.C., 20515. You people are always talking about making government more efficient. Well, what could be more efficient than giving me complete control of all federal spending?"

A spokesman for the IRS urged Americans not to take the speaker's advice, but said he wasn't sure anyone would listen to him.

"I suppose it all comes down to who Americans hate more, Nancy Pelosi or the IRS. Right now that's too close to call. Try me again after she's been in office for two years."

Nappy-headed hos demand apology for being compared to basketball players

By Ima Broad
Women Reporter

HARLEM -- Nappy-headed hos held a press conference here this morning to demand an apology from radio host Don Imus for comparing them to "lanky-ass" women's  basketball players.

"Look at dis!" said Taneesha Brown, 24, while slapping her leopard-skin-miniskirt-clad backside. "I fine! Ain't no lanky-ass basketball playin' freak got curves like this! Look at dis booty! Hunh!"

Kawanda Carter, 33, said she broke down in tears when she heard Imus call the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos."

"We work really hard to look this good," Carter said. "It takes a lot of time to nappy-up our hair, skank-out our wardrobe, deface our bodies with hideous tattoos and get strung out on crack. For him to compare us to basketball players. . . it really, really hurt. I cried so hard I couldn't work for two days. But then I ran out of crack, so, you know, I had to hit the streets again, no matter how much my heart was still hurting."

A few blocks away, a group of call girls held a press conference to demand that Imus distinguish between pretty black hookers and "those nappy-ass skanks."

"Just because we're black, that don't mean we nappy," said Regina Tyler, 22. "You don't see no nap here. I got class. My ass costs $400 an hour, baby! And it's covered in cashmere and silk. If he doesn't apologize, I know at least 13 high-priced attorneys in Manhattan who would be happy to sue him."

The Rev. Al Sharpton attended both press conferences and demanded that all white reporters covering the events apologize for writing the term "nappy-headed ho."

"I demand an immediate apology from every white reporter who types the term 'nappy-headed ho'!" Sharpton said. "You African-American reporters, you're good. But don't let any white editors touch that term back in the newsroom. If they so much as retype it, they're gonna have to apologize too. If anyone's going to degrade black women, it's going to be us black men."

Americans swell with pride over Ryan Vogelsong's Japanese baseball debut

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

AMERICA -- From Maine to Alaska, Americans are still boasting about former Major League pitcher Ryan Vogelsong' Nippon Professional Baseball league debut with the Hanshin Tigers last week.

"It's just inspiring to see a six-foot-three, 195-pound American succeed athletically in a land where the average person is five-five and less muscular than Sanjaya Malakar," said Holly Nettles, 27, of Clear Water Park, Fla.

In Charlotte, N.C., where Vogelsong was born, mayor Pat McCrory declared July 22, Vogelsong's birthday, to be "Brian Vogelsong Day."

"Charlotte is proud of its native son's accomplishments in the great nation of Japan," McCrory said. "In the land of tiny ballplayers, Brian is, well, really tall. And we can all be proud of that. . . What? His name is Ryan? Oh, great."

Vogelsong, a forgotten major leaguer with a 10-22 record and a 5.86 career era, is an unlikely national hero. But Americans never miss an opportunity to show their superiority to other cultures.

"Just the fact that a pitcher who couldn't survive in the major leagues could be competitive at the highest level of Japanese baseball shows our country's innate superiority in all things," said Jim Nelson, 43, of Allentown, Pa. "Daisuke Matsuzaka is a great pitcher, but how many Japanese can cut it over here? Six? We can send our AAA rejects to Japan and they win national titles. What American wouldn't be proud of that?"

Blair wins hostage release with rousing rendition of 'My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean'

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

LONDON -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinijad released 15 British sailors and marines just to stop British Prime Minister Tony Blair from calling him and singing the old Scottish folk song "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean," sources inside the British government say.

The 15 British service members were inspecting an Indian cargo vessel on March 23 when they were captured by Iranian sailors. Iran claimed that the Britons were inside Iranian waters. After a series of failed negotiations, Iran suddenly released the captives as "a gift" for the Easter holiday, but experts and government sources say it was no act of altruism.

Prime Minister Blair, torn between escalation and capitulation, devised "Operation Free Bonnie" for freeing the captives, according to government sources.

"The prime minister simply lifted the telly, rang President Ahmadinejad, and began singing "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean" really, really loudly," said a junior government official who happened to be passing by the prime minister's office while on the way to the loo.

Ahmadinejad, confused by the initial call, hung up the phone and said, "What the hell was that?"

Blair, realizing he was onto something, placed Ahmadinejad in his speed dial. For the next 27 hours he called Ahmadinejad every two minutes and sang, "My Bonnie lies over the ocean! My Bonnie lies over the sea! Oh, bring back! Bring back! Bring back my Bonnie to me, to me!"

After more than a day of this, Ahmadinejad relented, saying on the final phone call, "OK! OK! I'll bring back your Bonnie to you, to you! Just stop calling me!"

Aides say that when Ahmadinejad, who continues to hum the song involuntarily, asks for something, he now ends each request with "to me, to me." A well-placed source said that at prayers today Ahmadinejad was overheard asking very loudly for Allah to "please get that damn song out of my head, my head!"

Guy who grew goatee in 1995 still won't shave it

By Fifi Salette
Fashion Reporter

MEDFORD, Mass. -- John Romero, a motorcycle repairman into hard rock and fast cars told friends today that there's "no way" he's shaving his nearly 12-year-old goatee.

"Dude, why would I?" Romero asked when friend Matt Lebon suggested that it might be time to remove the mouth frame. "It looks good on me."

Romero said he grew the goatee in 1995 after seeing Chris Cornell of Soundgarden sporting his on MTV.

"It looked so cool, so... I dunno, macho," Romero said. "I was looking for a new look, you know? Something that said 'tough' and yet didn't involve anything painful like a tattoo or sticking a piece of cold metal through a part of my face."

The goatee has changed his life, Romero said.

"It got me this job," he beamed. "And I can't tell you how many girlfriends it hooked. Sarah, Lisa, Rita, Jenny, Britney... they all dug the 'tee. I know it's still cool, too, because three of the guys in Godsmack still have one."

Romero said he'd probably keep it until Medford's blue collar fashion caught up with Boston's white collar fashion sometime in the next decade.