By Norman Dee
War Correspondent
BAGHDAD -- The Iraq War today called for an immediate end to former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards.
Former Sen. Edwards has for months called for an end to the Iraq war. But after the 2004 Democratic vice presidential candidate asked for Americans to protest the war on Memorial Day, the Iraq War said he'd "had enough of this B.S."
"Look, I'm bustin' my tail out here every day trying to bring death, destruction and, hopefully, disease to America's most ruthless enemies, and all this petifogging pretty boy can do is complain about the mess," Mr. War said from his home here in Baghdad's Red Zone yesterday. "This ain't no church picnic, Opie! I'm the Iraq WAR, dammit!"
Asked to clarify what he meant by "an end to John Edwards," Mr. War said he did not wish the presidential candidate dead, only retired to a life of silent seclusion, preferably "in some Third World hellhole with no cell phone service, Internet or radio contact."
Mr. War said that after four years of working on behalf of the American people, he was accustomed to criticism. But hearing politicians use his soldiers and Marines as props when complaining about his efforts "got my back up, bro."
"Listen, I don't mind politicians talkin' junk about my game. I KNOW I got game, you know what I'm sayin'? But when you start protestin' me on Memorial Day, get that shit outa town, man! That ain't cool."
Mr. War said he singled out former Sen. Edwards because John Kerry's running mate is the most annoying of his many critics.
"John Edwards has repeatedly apologized for voting for me, always saying that he regretted his decision to authorize my creation," Mr. War said. "But I ask you, did anybody who voted for John Edwards not come to regret that vote later? I mean, come on, he's a total tool.
"Hillary Clinton, she's a tool, too, but at least she hasn't apologized for unleashing me on the terrorists. At least she's got the balls to stand up for her vote, kind of, anyway. Barack Obama, he's an all right dude. He's pretty consistent, and he smokes. But Edwards, has that guy ever taken a position based on gut instinct? If he were prom queen, and I'm pretty sure he was once, he'd definitely put out if he thought it'd make him more popular. Definitely. I'm just sayin'."
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