Guns'n'butter

Bush to close Guantanamo Bay after Renee Zellweger escape

Editor's Note: This Gunsnbutter spoof first appeared in The American Spectator.

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- The White House announced today that it was closing the controversial U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, after the escape of a shockingly emaciated prisoner, Hollywood actress Renee Zellweger, caused widespread outrage among plump young American women nationwide and raised concerns that the Republicans' 2008 presidential nominee would lose that demographic to Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York.

"We're shuttin' her down," President Bush said in a press conference this morning. "You can hogtie and horsewhip a jihadi and the 'Merican people will just go on shoppin' like nothin' happened. But mess with the self-image of lonely single women, and buddy, you'd better start sleepin' with one eye open."

Thousands of single women aged 16 to 39 converged upon the mall in Washington this past weekend to demand the prison's closure after photographs of a once curvy Zellweger, now bony and gaunt, surfaced on the Internet.

"Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Guantanamo has got to go!" they chanted as they trooped from one end of the mall to the other, leaving a field of half-read Helen Fielding novels and Godiva chocolate bars in their wake.

"Renee Zellweger was my hero!" 37-year-old secretary Nancy Jodoin of Bethesda, Md., said. "She looked like a real woman, giving me hope that some day I, too, might sleep with Hugh Grant. But look what those beasts have done to her! She could turn sideways and pass through a locked door! Now I'll have to lose 30 pounds just to feel good about myself again!"

Zellweger had been held at Guantanamo Bay on suspicion of being a terrorist because of her uncanny ability to speak with an English accent despite being a Texan.

"Real Texans just don't talk like that," Bush is reported to have said when ordering her detainment.

But Zellweger was in prison only a few months when she escaped, apparently by turning sideways and sliding between a door jamb and a locked prison door, then climbing atop a parapet and letting the wind blow her all the way to Florida.

President Bush did not say where the prison's roughly 375 other detainees would be housed. But he said that despite constant appeals from the adult film industry, the administrations had no plans to set free cultural terrorist Paris Hilton, whom Bush described as "doing to American culture what al-Qaida is trying to do to our economic and military infrastructure."

Victims of Communist professors demand own memorial

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- College students from across America rallied in Washington today to demand the creation of the Victims of Communist Professors Memorial, which they say will memorialize the millions of undergraduate and graduate students victimized each year by goateed English and history professors.

"We are the forgotten victims of communism!" cried Roger Killoan, 24, a master's candidate in English at Boston University. "We suffer unseen, unheard, sitting in our classrooms in mute silence, muzzled by our own fears of receiving a C from HIM, the Man With The Goatee!"

Eileen Mullins, 19, a sophomore at the University of Tennessee, said she paid for a course in American history from 1933 to the present, but all she was getting was a series of lectures about the virtues of redistributionist policies and the evils of free markets.

"I knew I was in trouble when my professor spent the first 34 minutes of the hour-long class describing the numerous crimes against the American people committed by Herbert Hoover," Mullins said. "When I passed my professor's office I saw that he had big posters of FDR and Che Guevara over his autographed picture of Al Gore, and I knew then that I had to keep my mouth shut. Normally, you know, I'd speak up, voice my opinion. But I need this class to graduate! So I just sit there and bite my lip as he drones on and on about the necessity for the workers to organize against corporate aggression. Did I mention this was a history class?"

The students said they were disappointed that President Bush did not list them among the many victims of communism when he dedicated the Victims of Communism Memorial on Tuesday.

Said 23-year-old UCLA business major Ted Paulson, "We deserve recognition, as do all who suffered in silence before us, especially those who, through no fault of their own, were persuaded to embrace socialism, changed their majors from finance to social work and gave up productive business careers to make $30,000 a year believing that expounding feminist theory to alcoholic wife-beaters is more socially valuable than creating hundreds of $80,000-a-year jobs that provide families with homes, health insurance and retirement funds."

The students suggested that their memorial could feature an angry student rising up, fist raised, desk toppled to one side, against a cowering, balding, bespectacled man wearing a goatee and sweater vest.

Google begins imprisoning 'dissidents'

By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. -- Google, Inc., announced a crackdown on "dissident" employees, customers and casual users today, saying it intends to "eliminate subversive elements" and "purify the body collective."

"Google has picked up a disturbing increase in anti-Google chatter among the world populace, apparently driven by concern over our collection of vast amounts of personal data," said Google spokesman Gnot Hung. "We were particularly dismayed by the comments made by Gregory Wilson of 532 Windsor Terrace in Oakland, California, and several of his friends. We are pleased to announce that Mr. Wilson has graciously accepted our invitation to participate in a Google-cation seminar which will last. . . indefinitely. His friends also have accepted our invitation and have been made guests of the company, pending completion of their re-education."

Google has opened a series of "Google-cation camps" in remote locations around the globe. The company says the camps will "educate the people about the importance of maintaining personal privacy in this complex digital age. And by 'maintaining personal privacy,' we mean us maintaining it for you because, frankly, you people can't be trusted to search for porn without inadvertently giving away your address, bank account number and pet's name," Hung said.

Jim Garvey, 26, of San Francisco, said three Google employees knocked on his door late one night last week and took his roommate, Brian. "He had just finished complaining on a message board that Google was getting a little too friendly with the Chinese government, when moments later, bam! bam! bam! there was pounding knock at the door," Garvey said. "I put down my wii and answered it, and these three dudes dressed in black with little Google labels on their shirts barged in, grabbed Brian and whisked him away. It was horrible. By the way, do you think he'll be back by the first of the month? Because rent's due and I'm going to need him to pay his half this time."

Hung vigorously denied the incident. "Google does not abduct people in the dark of night," he said. "We do it during regular business hours so we don't have to pay our goons overtime."

Steinbrenner orders 5,000 'Yankees suck' T-shirts from Boston street vendor

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

NEW YORK -- With his New York Yankees 13.5 games behind the first-place Boston Red Sox, team owner George Steinbrenner today ordered 5,000 "Yankees suck" T-shirts from a street vendor who peddles Red Sox gear on Landsdowne Street behind Fenway Park.

"It's true," Steinbrenner said in an interview this morning. "We do suck. The way I see it, why not make some money from it?"

Steinbrenner bought the shirts for $19.99 each from Babak Tehrani, who operates a push-cart on the souvenir-shop lined thoroughfare behind Fenway Park.

"Allah bless George Steinbrenner!" Tehrani exclaimed. "Now I can afford to quit my fourth job!"

Steinbrenner has stocked every Yankee Stadium souvenir shop with the shirts, which he's selling for $29.95. So far they've proven very popular with the famously fickle Bronx crowd.

Antony Spinelli, a 33-year-old lifelong Yankee fan, said he'd buy three of them, one each for himself his wife and his three-year-old son.

"It'll cost me $100, including tax, but it's worth it not to have to yell 'You suck!' before every play, you know what I mean? Spinelli said. "And the fact that they're Red-Sox red means those jerks will see 'em bright and clear from the field. I only wish they had one that said 'Yankees suck, especially Bobby Abreu.'"