By Vladimir Chang
Authoritarianism Correspondent
BEIJING -- After decades of pressure from foreign governments, the United Nations, the International Olympic Committee and its own citizens, the Chinese government announced today that it was so moved by 62-year-old actress Mia Farrow's pleas that it shall begin respecting human rights immediately.
"As a member of China's elite ruling class, I'd always accepted without question the premise that systematic oppression, torture, murder, corruption and all-around thuggery were perfectly acceptable governmental activities," Chinese President Hu Jintao said. "I'd always laughed at people who whined that these things were somehow wrong, especially if they did so while being marched off to a forced labor camp. Man, that was always funny. But when I heard those exact same requests for respect and fair treatment come from the mouth of a 110-pound, once-famous American actress, well, my eyes were suddenly opened, the sky parted and the truth descended upon me like a sparrow pregnant with justice and righteousness!"
Hu said his epiphany came because Farrow was so exceedingly polite.
"She just asked so nicely," Hu said. "There was no way I could refuse."
After his meeting with Farrow, President Hu promised an immediate cessation of all state-sponsored oppression, the freeing of all political prisoners, the abandonment of the one-child policy, official recognition of Taiwan as an independent nation, the granting of free speech rights to all citizens, an end to the manufacture of fatal children's toys, and a recall of all bootleg cds, dvds and consumer electronics. He acknowledged that the latter move would destroy the Chinese economy, but said, "hey, that's the price you pay for respecting other people's rights. I'm sure we'll manage somehow."
Ban Ki Moon, secretary general of the United Nations, said, "They did what? Just because Mia Farrow asked? You mean the millions of dollars in American taxpayers' money we deliberately squandered on that worthless goodwill ambassador program have actually produced some results? Holy crap!"
Farrow, the United Nations goodwill ambassador, said she was pleased with the Chinese government's decision. Her only disappointment, she said, was that President Hu refused to assassinate her former lover, Woody Allen, in one final act of evil before turning good.
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