By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter
NEW YORK -- New York Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner fired himself today for incompetence.
"I was sitting on the toilet this morning thinking about what a bum Joe Torre is, when I finally, after 34 years, had a bowel movement," Steinbrenner said. "Man, it was great! All of a sudden I felt this tremendous sense of relief, like I'd been unburdened of a great load. And I started thinking about Torre again, and it occurred to me that, man, he's really done great job here over the past dozen years. Then I suddenly realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.
"I realized, if I had owned the Kansas City Royals, my incompetence would have been visible all along because I couldn't have masked it by simply writing big checks to whoever Sports Illustrated said were the best players and managers. Of course, I could be wrong, I thought. Incidentally, that thought has never occurred to me before. Anyway, I walked out on the street to get the opinion of the average New Yorker, and they all agreed with me. I suck. So, for the good of the team, I really have no option but to fire myself."
According to an analysis done by Yankees statisticians, if it weren't for Steinbrenner's persistent meddling, intimidation, bullying, and second-guessing of the guys who actually know what they're doing, the Yankees would have won every World Series since 1973.
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