Guns'n'butter

Tiger Woods escapes green, mauls fan

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. -- Golfer Tiger Woods escaped the green and mauled a fan before being captured and returned to his pen today.

"It was horrible!" one bystander exclaimed with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity. "I hope something like that never happens again. But, um, if it does, I wouldn't mind again finding myself at a safe 20 or 30 feet away with a decent view."

According to eye witness accounts, Woods was lining up his putt on the 12th hole when a nearby fan in Adidas gear distracted him.

"I'm not sure what that guy did, but it made Tiger really angry," said Walter Hood, who was standing near the unnamed fan. "He was clearing his throat and fidgeting, but it wasn't loud or too bustly. I guess Tiger has extra-sharp senses or something because after about a minute of this he just turned and lunged at the guy."

Dr. Yearly Wifflesplat, a Tiger expert at UCLA, said Woods was likely reacting to what he perceived as a hostile display from the fan.

"To display Adidas symbols close to Tiger Woods is extremely dangerous," Wifflesplat said. "Woods probably considered that an aggressive action. And to compound that with coughing and fidgeting during a putt, also hostile actions, well, the fan is lucky he was a few rows back in the crowd or he'd probably have been finished."

Witnesses said Woods dropped his putter, roared, and leaped over three rows of bystanders to get to the fan. Woods bit the fan's neck and shoulder repeatedly before being pulled off by security personnel, who quickly tied him to the back of a golf cart and sped back to the clubhouse.

"Tiger has been sedated with a series of Jack and Cokes and is resting in his pen," said club spokesman Chip Shot. "Obviously we are very sorry this happened and are taking preventive measures to ensure that nothing like this ever occurs again."

The club is considering replacing the yellow rope surrounding greens with a 10-foot steel fence and placing sharpshooters armed with dart guns atop towers at each hole.

The mauling is the first on a golf course since Tim Daly attacked and seriously wounded a mini bar in 1996.

Little known facts about John McCain

1. Dick Cheney’s “secret, undisclosed location”? Crouching behind John McCain.

2. North Korea’s nuke program began afer Kim Jong-Il bought one of John McCain’s toenail clippings on eBay and accidentally dropped it into a nuclear reactor.

3. Nostradamus tried to predict the rise of John McCain, but the thought alone killed him.

4. Teddy Roosevelt actually said, “Speak softly and carry picture of John McCain.”

5. Rudy Giuliani once invited John McCain to New York City, and all crime instantly ceased.

6. Chuck Norris is John McCain’s decoy.

7. Mitt Romney’s secret of success: On day one, warn all managers: “Perform, or I’ll give you to John McCain.”

8. The original pirate flag was a drawing of John McCain’s face, but it was so terrifying the crew lept overboard every time it was raised. The skull and crossbones was created as a less frightening alternative.

9. Hillary Clinton’s opposition research paper on John McCain is only five words long: “If he is nominated, quit.”

10. John McCain was once bitten by a cobra. It died instantly.

11. Ninjas wear black so John McCain won’t see them.

12. Women wear pink so he will.

13. Santa Claus has three lists: Naugty. Nice. John McCain.

14. The Vietnamese word for “tough” is “McCain.”

15. John McCain’s plan for U.S. energy independence is to plug himself into the power grid for one minute a day.

16. Jefferson’s original draft of the Declaration of Independence read, “. . . all men are created equal, except John McCain.”

17. The commander of the U.S.S. Intrepid’s plan in case his ship ran out of ammo was to put John McCain in a cannon and fire him at the enemy.

18. The devil went down to Georgia because John McCain was in Arizona.

19. Nails think of themselves as “tough as John McCain.”

20. Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, John McCain plans to stare at them until they talk.

21. John Edwards brushes his hair each morning so he’ll look great in case he runs into John McCain.

22. When John McCain was a baby, he dug a hole in his backyard. Today we call it the Panama Canal.

23. Aircraft carriers are so big because they need to be able to carry John McCain.

24. Ken Burns was going to make a film about John McCain’s life, but he realized the story was so incredible no one would believe it.

25. If John McCain thinks about you, you’ll experience total happiness all day long.

Radical Muslim says guy at the end of the bar is looking at him funny

By Harold Bethyname
Religion Reporter

DETROIT -- Faruk Yusuf, a local radical Muslim, said tonight that he didn't like the way that "Westerner" at the end of the bar was looking at him.

"Is that guy looking at me funny?" Yusuf asked a friend shortly after the pair entered the establishment "for research purposes."

"Yeah, as soon as we walked in, this well-dressed, popular, good-looking guy, the one with all the girls checking him out, I swear he started looking at me funny right away," Yusuf said. "I was like, back off, Jack, cause I'll take you outside and drop a fatwa on your you-know-what. And he'd better watch out, cause I'll do it, too."

Yusuf's friend, Jamal Aba, a moderate Muslim, tried to calm his increasingly agitated pal.

"I said, 'Nah, man, he's just lookin' at that girl over there behind us. Take it easy,'" Aba said. "But Faruk, he was all convinced that this guy was staring at him and that was an insult to the Prophet or the religion or something. Did I mention that Faruk is five-six?"

The incident might have ended there, except Yusuf soon began muttering that the "Westerner" was unfairly monopolizing all the "females" in the bar. He said there was an obvious "Zionist plot" to deprive him of beautiful, drunk women, and that the tall, athletic obviously successful man was so popular only because he had stolen all of Yusuf's jokes.

"Did you hear him tell that one about the rabbi, the giraffe, and the polar bear?" Yusuf asked. That was MY joke, man! That hot blonde should be tossing her head back in mock comedic exctasy on THIS bar stool and tenderly touching MY forearm as a subtle signal that my devastating wit has activated her breeding instinct! Oh, man, I hate that guy!

At this point, Aba suggested the pair call it a night. But Yusuf insisted on staying and "observing this Western blasphemy" so he could warn all his friends back home how they would be treated should they venture into hostile non-Islamic lands. And also because "that brunette over there just looked at me, I think."

By the time the pair left, at 2 a.m., Yusuf was convinced of the secret plot to deprive him of success with the bar's numerous women that evening.

"Obviously, the American and his Jew financiers were plotting against me from the start," Yusuf said. "There simply is no other explanation for a man of my exquisite morals to have been so handily defeated by rivals who plainly spend more time in the gym than the mosque. I would never come back to an American bar again, but, well, all the women in my village are married to the sheik or one of his four brothers, so, I guess I'll be back next Saturday night. Maybe I'll wear my 'Death to America' T-shirt. Chicks dig a guy in a tight T-shirt."

Mall Santa suspects Clinton staffers planted kids' toy requests

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

MANCHESTER, N.H. -- Jerome Lavalle, 55, who plays Santa four evenings a week at the Mall of New Hampshire here, says he's pretty sure Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign staffers have begun planting gift ideas with the children waiting in line to see him.

"At first I just thought I'd gotten a couple of idealistic four-year-olds," said Lavalle, who has a day job as a pizza store manager. "But about the sixth time I got a kid asking for "true universal health care -- not a plan that leaves millions uninsured, like Barack Obama's," I started to get suspicious.

Lavalle said so far he's had kids between the ages of two and seven ask for universal health care, free college tuition, the U.S. out of Iraq, a Democratic president already experienced at getting things done in Washington, and "our first woman president."

"I know politics is like the official sport of New Hampshire and all, but I wasn't  born yesterday" Lavalle said. "Someone's telling these kids to say this, and it's not Mitt Romney."

A Clinton campaign spokesman in an elf suit denied the allegations.