1. Dick Cheney’s “secret, undisclosed location”? Crouching behind John McCain.
2. North Korea’s nuke program began afer Kim Jong-Il bought one of John McCain’s toenail clippings on eBay and accidentally dropped it into a nuclear reactor.
3. Nostradamus tried to predict the rise of John McCain, but the thought alone killed him.
4. Teddy Roosevelt actually said, “Speak softly and carry picture of John McCain.”
5. Rudy Giuliani once invited John McCain to New York City, and all crime instantly ceased.
6. Chuck Norris is John McCain’s decoy.
7. Mitt Romney’s secret of success: On day one, warn all managers: “Perform, or I’ll give you to John McCain.”
8. The original pirate flag was a drawing of John McCain’s face, but it was so terrifying the crew lept overboard every time it was raised. The skull and crossbones was created as a less frightening alternative.
9. Hillary Clinton’s opposition research paper on John McCain is only five words long: “If he is nominated, quit.”
10. John McCain was once bitten by a cobra. It died instantly.
11. Ninjas wear black so John McCain won’t see them.
12. Women wear pink so he will.
13. Santa Claus has three lists: Naugty. Nice. John McCain.
14. The Vietnamese word for “tough” is “McCain.”
15. John McCain’s plan for U.S. energy independence is to plug himself into the power grid for one minute a day.
16. Jefferson’s original draft of the Declaration of Independence read, “. . . all men are created equal, except John McCain.”
17. The commander of the U.S.S. Intrepid’s plan in case his ship ran out of ammo was to put John McCain in a cannon and fire him at the enemy.
18. The devil went down to Georgia because John McCain was in Arizona.
19. Nails think of themselves as “tough as John McCain.”
20. Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, John McCain plans to stare at them until they talk.
21. John Edwards brushes his hair each morning so he’ll look great in case he runs into John McCain.
22. When John McCain was a baby, he dug a hole in his backyard. Today we call it the Panama Canal.
23. Aircraft carriers are so big because they need to be able to carry John McCain.
24. Ken Burns was going to make a film about John McCain’s life, but he realized the story was so incredible no one would believe it.
25. If John McCain thinks about you, you’ll experience total happiness all day long.
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11. Ninjas wear black so John McCain won’t see them.
12. Women wear pink so he will.
13. Santa Claus has three lists: Naugty. Nice. John McCain.
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