Guns'n'butter

Flush with cash, Obama campaign threatens hostile takeover of Clinton campaign

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

CHICAGO -- Overflowing with more cash than it knows what to do with, Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign announced this morning that it was exploring a hostile takeover of rival Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign.

The financially struggling Clinton campaign had to take out a $5 million loan from the candidate herself earlier this year just to keep going. With Obama continuing to lead in cash and convention delegates, the Clinton campaign is ripe for a takeover, industry analysts say.

"The Clinton campaign is extremely vulnerable right now," said John Ibniz, an analyst at Morgan Stanley. "If Obama times this right and offers the right incentives to sweeten the deal, he could walk away with a very valuable asset -- the presidential prospects of one of America's most famous politicians, for a song."

The Obama campaign did not release details of its plan, nor did it make an official offer this morning. Rather, campaign officials mostly waved the campaign's latest FEC filings in front of the cameras and made raspberries while wearing T-shirts that read, "Obama floats my boat, Hillary floats herself loans."

But senior Obama campaign officials said they are serious about potentially making an unsolicited bid for the Clinton campaign. The deal likely would involve some combination of cash, high-ranking placement in an Obama administration, and "finally doing something about Bill, if you know what I mean," campaign insiders said.

"We're definitely exploring that option," one top campaign official said. "I'd tell you more of the details we've worked out so far, but right now I can't find the clipboard; it's lost under one of the piles of cash somewhere around the office."

Prostitute resigns after being linked to New York governor

By Jimmy DeLoch
Crime Reporter

NEW YORK -- A prostitute for the Emperor's Club VIP call-girl service resigned in disgrace this morning after being publicly linked to New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

The high-priced Manhattan call girl identified last week as Ashley Alexandra Dupré was shamed out of the profession, friends say, for having sex with the big-eared, insufferable, famously self-righteous politician.

"They said, 'Girl, get that sh** outa here!'" a friend reported while leaving a five-star hotel in Manhattan this morning. "'You don't be bringin' no nasty-a** politician 'round here, girl. You know how many hands they shake in a day? You don't know what that man's bringin' to bed with him, you know what I'm sayin'?'"

Rumors had circulated within the Emperor's Club community that someone was bedding the governor, but no one would admit it, former employees say.

"Everybody's gotta make their money," said a former colleague who would identify herself only as Xambia The Magnificent. "The things we get asked to do, you wouldn't believe. And, you know, we do 'em, it's our job. You just separate yourself from the girl you're pretending to be, and pretty soon it's all over and you're $2,000 richer. But sleeping with Eliot Spitzer? That's beyond Thunderdome, man, if you know what I'm sayin'. That's a night of humiliation you never recover from."

In addition to losing the respect of fellow prostitutes and others who run in those circles and who also have serious self-esteem issues -- including bums, drug addicts, the mentally disturbed, and male figure skaters -- she'd also lost the cachet that comes with working as an Emperor's Club call girl.

"The whole point of being a high-priced call girl is that you're selling the fantasy that you're selective, that you're not available to just anyone," said a former colleague named Amber. "But obviously, if you'll sleep with Gov. Spitzer, you'll sleep with anyone, so that pretty much kills the fantasy right there."

"It's a shame, really," said Xambia The Magnificent. "She had such a promising career. I mean, she came out of nowhere, rose to the height of her profession in a few short years, and then, poof!, in a moment of scandal the whole thing comes crashing down. You just shake your head and wonder, 'What was she thinking?'"