Guns'n'butter

George Steinbrenner fires self

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

NEW YORK -- New York Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner fired himself today for incompetence.

"I was sitting on the toilet this morning thinking about what a bum Joe Torre is, when I finally, after 34 years, had a bowel movement," Steinbrenner said. "Man, it was great! All of a sudden I felt this tremendous sense of relief, like I'd been unburdened of a great load. And I started thinking about Torre again, and it occurred to me that, man, he's really done great job here over the past dozen years. Then I suddenly realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.

"I realized, if I had owned the Kansas City Royals, my incompetence would have been visible all along because I couldn't have masked it by simply writing big checks to whoever Sports Illustrated said were the best players and managers. Of course, I could be wrong, I thought. Incidentally, that thought has never occurred to me before. Anyway, I walked out on the street to get the opinion of the average New Yorker, and they all agreed with me. I suck. So, for the good of the team, I really have no option but to fire myself."

According to an analysis done by Yankees statisticians, if it weren't for Steinbrenner's persistent meddling, intimidation, bullying, and second-guessing of the guys who actually know what they're doing, the Yankees would have won every World Series since 1973.

Al Gore wins Nobel Prize for Pudginess

By Hi Browe
Pomposity Reporter

OSLO -- Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore today won the Nobel Prize for Pudginess, the Swedish Nobel Committee announced this morning.

"Al Gore was once a handsome, strapping politician on a path to becoming one of the best-looking presidents in U.S. history," the Nobel Committee said in a prepared statement. "But his inspiring dedication to overcoming his 2000 electoral loss through the relentless consumption of Moon Pies, Twinkies, Oreos, Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, and Sonic Extra-Long Chili-Cheese Coneys has transformed him in a mere seven years into the Platonic model of pudge."

Reached for comment at the local Krispy-Kreme, Gore was speechless. Then he swallowed the last bite of his doughnut, washed it down with a pint of whole milk, and asked how many dozen doughnuts he could buy with the $1.5 million in prize money.

Football widow makes husband 'gigolo widower'

By Ima Broad
Women's Issues Reporter

PITTSBURGH -- Claudia Ignowski, 43, spent years crying over having to sit home alone every weekend afternoon while her husband Bob, 48, watched football at the bar with his buddies. She was the quintessential "football widow." But now she says Bob can watch all the sports he wants. From now on, she says, while Bob is with his buddies, she'll be with Ricardo.

"It didn't matter what kind of football it was -- college, pro, youth league -- you name it, he'd rather watch it than spend time with me," she said. "I could have covered myself in cheese dip and lied waiting in a tub of ice-cold beer and he'd have just slid a nacho along me on his way out the door. So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I hired a male escort and made that bastard pay for it."

Now Claudia calls up Ricardo, a six-foot-four Latino escort, every time Bob leaves to watch the games.

"Honey, I used to hate football season. I'd spend September through February crying of sheer loneliness. Now I wish they played every day, all year 'round. You know what I got Bob for his birthday this year? Steelers season tickets!"

Caught for a brief interview yesterday, Ricardo said that while he was happy to have the work, he was a little disappointed in the hours, especially the need to work every Sunday afternoon. In broken English he said he needed the money, but what he really wanted was to know whether anybody could tell him the score of the Raiders/Dolphins game.

Marcel Marceau to be buried in imaginary coffin

By Pierre N Depants
French Bureau Chief

PARIS -- Marcel Marceau, the world's only famous mime, is to be buried in an imaginary coffin so he can perform his best-known illusion -- the man trapped in an invisible box -- for all eternity, sources close to the Marceau family revealed after the entertainer's death at age 84 today .

"Marcel was a born showman, and now he will be a dead showman," said his publicist. "What I mean is, obviously he will be a dead showman, but now he will continue to do his show after his death. This will be the greatest feat in the history of miming. It will be the greatest encore in the history of show business. And it will finally make miming popular again! OK, so probably not that last part. But it will unquestionably be the coolest thing ever done by a mime."

Marceau wanted to make sure his most popular routine could be seen by legions of fans yet unborn, even if all recordings of his performances are lost, said a close family friend. "Young mimes today, both of them, they don't appreciate the classics. No one does the man stuck in an invisible box anymore. If we have a nuclear holocaust and all recordings of Marcel's act are destroyed, who will transfer that act to the next generation? Marcel knew that pretending to be a man stuck in an invisible box was the most important contribution he could make to mankind, and he wanted to be absolutely sure it survived. So, he is being buried in an invisible box with his hands sticking up as if he's pressing on it, trying to get out. It will be his final masterpiece."

Marceau's decision ensures that his trademark brand of century-old entertainment can be viewed for millennia to come -- unless someone throws dirt on top of his body.

Bathroom stall with Larry Craig's phone number acquired by Smithsonian

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

MINNEAPOLIS -- A Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport bathroom stall with Sen. Larry Craig's cell phone number scrawled on one wall has been purchased by the Smithsonian Institution for an undisclosed sum.

The hand-scrawled message reads: "For a smokin' good time, call Larry" and is followed by the senator's personal cell phone number. When a reporter dialed the number, a male voice answered, "Larry's lounge of lust. How may I service you?" The reporter involuntarily hung up in disgust, and several return calls were not answered.

"This is an outstanding find," said Smithsonian curator Fin Derskeepers. "It will be a featured exhibit in the American History Museum, for sure. We'll probably sandwich it between Harding's little black book and Chester Arthur's extensive collection of ladies' footwear."

Derskeepers said it is unknown at this time whether the stall was the same one in which Sen. Craig, R-Idaho, was arrested June 11.

"But it really doesn't matter," Derskeepers said. "We're the freakin' Smithsonian. If we say that's the stall, then that's the stall."

Tancredo challenges opponents to duel, McCain accepts

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

LITTLETON, Colo. -- Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., little-known candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, yesterday challenged his GOP rivals to a duel, saying, "let's settle this mano-a-mano!"

Armed with two revolvers snuggled into holsters strapped to his thighs, a bandoleer, an M-16, two grenade launchers, a Bowie knife and a bullet-proof vest, Tancredo said he could "gun down any varmint who steps into my district to accept this challenge! Or, conversely, I can come to you. I still have some frequent flier miles I haven't used up yet. So, you know, just let me know!"

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney was the first to respond. The only candidate who is also a member of the National Rifle Association, Romney declined Tancredo's challenge. A campaign official speaking off the record said the gun safe in Romney's Wolfeboro, N.H., vacation home hasn't held firearms in years. Instead, it holds a vast assortment of top-quality combs and exotic hair brushes that are "completely useless in a firefight, unfortunately. But if John Edwards wants a hair contest, he's on!"

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani also declined the challenge, saying only, "My friends Guido, Tony and Marco find your proposition very interesting and would like to discuss it further with you over dinner at Mama Leoni's on Sullivan Street at 9 p.m. Tuesday."

Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., said he would accept the challenge as soon as he raised enough campaign funds to make the trip to Colorado.

Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee both declined the challenge and asked supporters to pray for Tancredo's soul and the balance of his campaign funds if he quits the race.

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, said he completely supports Tancredo's right to duel, but, citing the theory of comparative advantage, said accepting a duel with Tancredo would be like "trying to make a cheap plastic toy at a lower price than the Chinese."

Only Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., accepted Tancredo's challenge. The troubled McCain, once considered the front-runner, said he would meet Tancredo "any time, any place, amigo!"

McCain's campaign first suggested meeting at The Alamo, but after a firestorm of criticism from the conservative Republican base withdrew that offer. The campaign instead offered to let Republican voters pick the site via an online auction, with the two campaigns splitting the proceeds. Tancredo immediately accepted.

New Wall Street Journal to feature 'Page 3 Brokers'

By Jimmy Somemunny
Business Reporter

NEW YORK -- News Corp. owner Rupert Murdoch's new plans for The Wall Street Journal include marketing the business daily to young, successful single women by including topless photos of hot Wall Street stock brokers on the inside of each paper.

"Our surveys show that the women of Manhattan want a man who's successful, confident, assertive, family-oriented and has a six-pack," News Corp. spokesman Reba Binkthwapper said. "Our Page Three Brokers will embody all of those qualities, and we think women will just love it. Nothing says 'successful and confident' more than being willing to stand before one million readers wearing only your suit pants and a pair of $500 wingtips."

Norm Birnbaum, a 28-year-old commodities trader in Manhattan, was the first to try out to be a Page Three Broker.

"I was a little nervous at first," said Birnbaum, who works out five times a week at a local private health club and enjoys talking corporate finance during long walks on the beach on the one day a week he's not in the office. "But after Mr. Murdoch took off his shirt and showed me how to look sexy for the camera, it really wasn't so difficult. Although next time I could do without the post-photo shoot massage. His hands are like Australian sandpaper."

Murdoch plans to feature a different broker each of the six days a week the journal publishes. Binkthwapper said the only challenge will be finding enough young, single, hot brokers to keep the feature going.

"New York is filled with hot guys," she said. "But after a few years of working 80-hour weeks, well, you wouldn't want to see most of them in boxers and dress socks. Let's just say we're banking on the brokerage industry in Manhattan hiring several hundred handsome college graduates each year. If not, we might have to find some actual content to put on Page 3, and nobody wants that."

Steinbrenner orders 5,000 'Yankees suck' T-shirts from Boston street vendor

By C. Schwetty Jacques
Sports Reporter

NEW YORK -- With his New York Yankees 13.5 games behind the first-place Boston Red Sox, team owner George Steinbrenner today ordered 5,000 "Yankees suck" T-shirts from a street vendor who peddles Red Sox gear on Landsdowne Street behind Fenway Park.

"It's true," Steinbrenner said in an interview this morning. "We do suck. The way I see it, why not make some money from it?"

Steinbrenner bought the shirts for $19.99 each from Babak Tehrani, who operates a push-cart on the souvenir-shop lined thoroughfare behind Fenway Park.

"Allah bless George Steinbrenner!" Tehrani exclaimed. "Now I can afford to quit my fourth job!"

Steinbrenner has stocked every Yankee Stadium souvenir shop with the shirts, which he's selling for $29.95. So far they've proven very popular with the famously fickle Bronx crowd.

Antony Spinelli, a 33-year-old lifelong Yankee fan, said he'd buy three of them, one each for himself his wife and his three-year-old son.

"It'll cost me $100, including tax, but it's worth it not to have to yell 'You suck!' before every play, you know what I mean? Spinelli said. "And the fact that they're Red-Sox red means those jerks will see 'em bright and clear from the field. I only wish they had one that said 'Yankees suck, especially Bobby Abreu.'"

Alberto Gonzales accidentally fires himself

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

WASHINGTON -- U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales accidentally fired himself today in a botched attempt to clear the taint of scandal swirling around his office.

It was not entirely clear how Gonzales managed to terminate his own employment. A series of interviews with the attorney general yielded numerous conflicting stories.

"Yeah, uh, Sen. Schumer came into my office and me for my autograph," Gonzales said while moving boxes out of his office yesterday afternoon. "He said it was for his nephew in law school, and I was like, sure! So I signed on the little line he pointed to, and he walked out of my office cackling maniacally. That's how he normally laughs, so, like, I didn't think anything of it. Next thing I know, like, someone told me I'd been fired. I was like, 'No way! George is my friend!' But they were like, 'no, dude, you fired yourself,' and they started laughing at me. Why is everybody always laughing at me?"

A few minutes later, coming back up for more boxes, Gonzales related a somewhat different version of his firing.

"Sorry, I don't recall ever giving Sen. Schumer my autograph. I ordered my termination because of performance-related issues with my performance. I don't recall what those issues were, but I must've thought they were darned good ones at the time. I know I had my reasons, I mean, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't fire myself without good cause, you know? Hey, can you hand me that Corona box?"

Gonzales said he and he alone ordered his firing, adding that the White House did not even know about it yet because he forgot to cc President Bush when he finished the document late yesterday.

"Oh, that's what 'cc' means!" he exclaimed when told what the two letters below the "to" and "bcc" line on an e-mail form stand for. "I thought it was a space for doodling."

Despite Gonzales' protestations that the White House was unaware of his departure, President Bush's chief political adviser Karl Rove could clearly be seen packing boxes in the far room of the attorney general's offices.

"Karl?" Gonzales said. "Oh, uh, he just came over to borrow my stapler. Says my red Swingline doesn't bind up on him as much as the one George gave him."

Asked what work he might seek next, Gonzales wasn't sure.

"I dunno, I'm sure George'll find something for me to do. He said they might need a new attorney general in Iraq pretty soon."

Chicago-born Hillary Clinton fakes Chicago accent

By Bea Loughnee
Washington Reporter

CHICAGO -- Chicago-area native Hillary Rorschach Clinton affected a Chicago accent at a campaign rally here today, surprising the many supporters who presumed she was from someplace else.

"'Ow 'bout dem Bulls, eh?" said Clinton as she strode on stage wearing a Chicago Bears jersey and Chicago Cubs baseball cap. "As yous guys know, I'm grew up in Pahk Rige, rootin' fer da Cubbies and, ah, that football team we all love. . ." she glanced down at her jersey, "da Bears!"

Local meatpacker Brian Pulanski said he was surprised to learn that Clinton was from the area. "I heard her speak to that group in Manhattan dis week, an' I t'ought she was from Tennessee. I didn't know she was one ah us," he said between bites of one of the enormous "Clinton's Giant Sausages" the campaign was selling for refreshment.

"My Gad, I need a sassage!" Clinton exclaimed in the middle of her speech. "Somebody get me a sammich and a pop!"

Hairdresser Sheila Grabowski said she was definitely going to vote for Clinton after hearing her local accent.

"For someone to make her staff research local history so she can pretend to remember it from her childhood, and to spend so much energy learning the accent to trick us into voting for her, you know, it really shows tremendous initiative. If she'll lie to me about something as fundamental as her dialect, just imagine how duplicitous she'll be when dealing with Ahmadinejad or Putin. We definitely need a president who will stoop to any low to get what she wants."